ashlee.rn

forever.

2011-04-13T21:11:00.002-05:00

Hello there. It's been a while!

I feel like I should start by finishing my pie story. I didn't place. Sad, I know. But, I did get a nifty little score card in the mail that tells me how many points I go in each category! It was fun - kinda like a report card. I am officially a B+ pie maker (89% thank you very much) which I count as success for my first year. I can't seem to find that little card to break it down any more, but I do remember my highest points were in the crust, for which I got a 14/15 for flavor. I was pretty proud of that. My lowest were in apple flavor and texture. Boo.

Anyway, thanks to my sister and mom I have all sorts of new pie tools that will help with next (this) year's project. For the record, I think my favorite apple (for baking) is the Granny Smith. The Zester was good in theory, but just lacked the density. Or something.

Contrary to how my life seems on this little bloggy blog, I actually have been up to more than just pie making. Thank goodness. Let's see: my sister had twins babies! I became certified as a Pediatric Nurse! I moved into a new apartment (that is beautiful and spacious and not freezing and has no mice)! I went to Jamaica and worked in a Children's hospital for a week! I survived the worst winter in the whole entire world. Trust me, it's no small task.

Plans for this spring:

I want to buy a bike. Soon.
The rest is TBD

meet me at the fair!

2010-08-22T10:14:00.009-05:00

Today is the big day! Waking early, I rolled out my beautiful dough, sliced apples carefully, measured meticulously and assembled my fifth and final (2010) pie. I surprised myself when I woke with a smile on my face and butterflies in my stomach (silly!) and then, just prior to departure, began to imagine myself dropping the pie right outside the Creative Activities building, or having to put on my breaks really hard and (in slow motion) watching my pie fall to the dirty floor of my car... or worse, getting out of the shower to find I didn't hear the timer and everything was burned to a crisp. Oh dear. I probably should have baked it last night.

The good news is we arrived safe and sound! With plenty of time to spare! I felt curious about how people would be acting in line - competitive? Minnesota nice? Both at the same time! There were all kinds, much to my delight, and everyone was excited about their baking. Some women stepped into line with boxes full of bars and drop cookies and brownies, one even needed a moment of consolation from her husband right before she got in line! Others were like me, smiling, delighted with their single creation and happily chatting with other bakers about their fair experiences. The woman behind me in line made it very clear that she had gotten a blue ribbon her first time in the fair (for muffins made out of cereal??) & told her name to people as if they should know... hehe. I loved it.

As far as the actual pie goes, I kept it pretty much the same as 4G except I did go sans boiled cider. I think it does create a really traditional pie flavor, but I liked keeping it lighter and more of a pastry than a heavy pie. Anyway, I really wish I had more time to experiment - I was changing multiple ingredients each time so it was hard to know what change I liked and what I could do without. Five pies under my belt doesn't seem like much, but this is just my first year after all.

The judging happens today but I won't know the results until I actually go to the fair (they hang the list on the door somewhere on the fairgrounds). Anyway, up above are some pictures of my morning! It really was fun.

4G

2010-08-21T17:01:00.003-05:00

Things are back on track with pie 4G! Again, I let the crust get good and cold before rolling it out into perfectly shaped disks. I cut the butter and lard in by hand & I think this time I unintentionally left some larger chunks behind (notice: swiss-cheese like holes in the top crust). Didn't affect the taste at all, and I kind of loved the out-of-my-hands imperfection that formed while it baked.

And, the Zestar apples were a very good decision. As the pie was baking I was worried they were creating too much water (we had some overflow, which didn't happen with the other types) but in the end the texture, taste and consistency was nearly perfect. They are a semi-tart apple, I definitely wouldn't put them in the same category as Granny Smith, so with the lemon zest (which I went heavy on again, since it was so yummy last time), things turned out a little too puckery. So, for round five I'm going to stay with the Zestars, skimp on the lemon zest and call it good! Which is good since I just went to the grocery store and there were no Braeburns in sight! The only thing I have yet to decide on is the boiled cider. Friend or foe? It's a heavy taste, and I'm finding it tough to balance with the spices. The first time I used it, I added a whole 1/4 cup, which is what my recipe told me to do. It was kinda thick for my preferences, so last time I added 2 tablespoons instead. Still, I felt kind of overwhelmed by the flavor. Hm, what to do...

Regardless, tonight my 5th pie will be born! And tomorrow I will drop it off at the state fair! I don't even really care if I win, I'm finding, I'm just so excited to bring my All-Minnesotan apple pie to the fair grounds, along with all my competition, & then see it proudly displayed in the Creative Activities building next week. I'm super curious what the social culture is like on days like this. Are people cut throat about their pies? Or will we all be standing in line, chatty, exchanging tips and secret ingredients? Hm, I guess it won't be long until I find out!

3G

2010-08-18T21:29:00.003-05:00

Progress in the pie department took a significant hit this week. Forgetting to add the last cup of flour until after the water and vodka were mixed in does create some problems... mostly, chewy crust. And I wasn't even watching TV this time!

I also changed a few things with the apples. First, I have read on multiple occasions that it is best to make pies with two kinds of apples (one half tart, the other sweet). I've been using Granny Smith and Braeburn up until this pie when I decided to switch out the Braeburns for Fuij. Not a great decision, as they are very different consistencies (fuji: soft and spongy, grannies: crisp and wonderful). But, it did help me identify what it is that I find most appealing in pie filling. Haha, or should I say a-peeling?

Anyway, I've got 4G in the oven right now and I've made some good improvements in the apple selection department. Mostly, I decided that I'm in charge of the sweet vs. tart ratio and I must say that I favor the tart. Especially with fall coming.So, bubbling between the flaky layers of crust are Zestar apple! Wait, what are Zestar apples, you ask? Well, they are a University of Minnesota original (which I found very fitting) that were created to ripen early in the season in colder climates. I found them via the co-op, but they are grown and harvested in LaCrescent, MN. There are bumps and bruises all over these apples, but that makes me love them all the more. I can't wait to see how it turns out!

Apple Pie 2.0

2010-08-10T21:04:00.003-05:00

Well, the second round in this baking series has come and gone. I feel a little embarrassed to say that I've only crafted two pies during this "summer of baking" but, hey, it's really hot in this tiny apt!

My goals with this second one was to focus on the filling. I got feedback that my spices were less than balanced the first go round, so I added a couple to try and give it some depth or diversity (or whatever - don't be fooled, I'm no spice expert). So, there was cinnamon, nutmeg, mace and cloves in this last one. And while that part of it was good, the filling was less than perfect. Which I must admit wasn't due to my ingredients, but rather a product of my addictive personality.

Has anyone seen Nip/Tuck? If not, be warned, it's almost impossible to peel your eyes away from those dark and twisty characters... which is especially dangerous while you are zesting a lemon into your state fair pie! No blood spill, thankfully, but I did end up zesting nearly the whole lemon when I had planned on only using a tablespoon. I thought I picked enough of it out, but the filling was super tart. The strange part was that my tasters raved about it! And, yes, even though I love them dearly, I am now a bit skeptical of their discretion when it comes to apple pie filling.

The thing that did go really well with this pie was the crust. Last time I made it I was SO excited to roll it out and bake it up all flaky and golden that I only let it get chilly in the fridge for about an hour. This time I was a bit strapped for time, so I made it and then let it sit (accidentally) for 2 whole days. I don't know what happens when you let things really sit and get truly cold, but the end result was a perfectly flaky and delicious crust. I haven't quite figured out how to resolve the whole "I want it to taste more like butter" issue, but I'm leaning toward experimenting with butter extract. (My insides are saying "NOOOOO, only use REAL butter", but from what I've read it's really hard to keep the flakes with real butter. Decisions, decisions).

This week needs to be about baking pies - the fair is but weeks away! And I will do my best, I promise!! Anyone have any suggestions or tips? I love feedback!!

2010-07-19T20:30:00.006-05:00

There are very few things in my life that I get to see through to completion. I see patients come and then leave (in better shape than when they arrived), yes. But let's face it - closure is really hard to come by in my line of business. So, I've been experimenting with different "hobbies" if you will, to see what keeps my attention and what doesn't.

First off, I work out on a consistent basis and have discovered that it is most definitely a chore, not a hobby. I do love to knit, but often I find that too long of a commitment and I do (gasp) get a little tired of my projects toward the end. I enjoy reading, and it does fairly often bring closure, but it isn't a social activity. So, I have found baking to be my time (and tummy) filler of choice. And, yes, there is a difference between baking and cooking... at least for me. And I love baking & enjoying the finished product with my friends the very most.

For a while I was on a cake kick... tunnel of fudge cake, angel food with a citrus twist, almond and walnut cakes. Oh my, I am in love! It was earlier this summer that I decided I needed to turn this baking experiment into more of a project: a MN state fair themed project, if you will. The original plan was to perfect the sugar cookie and submit that to the state fair for judging, but that was so labor intensive and making a batch of sugar cookies is really an all day commitment. So, I decided on the pie baking category because, really, what says "State Fair" more than an apple pie?! You got it - nothing.

My mom has been so helpful in the research phase of this project - collecting recipes, finding food blogs, giving me resources that discuss everything from gluten chains in the flour to the importance of keeping the pH of your crust between a 5 and 6 (ps. baking is science, people!), etc etc. I paid extra attention to the tips on crust making, as I felt this would be my greatest challenge and decided to use a recipe from Cooks Illustrated for my first go round. And it was 97% perfect. The filling has some work to be done, and I'd like the crust to have more of a butter flavor (because I lalalove butter!!)... But, for a first timer, I was pretty thrilled with how it all baked out.

So, the plan for apple pie 2.0: more butter, softer apples, more balanced spices, and as always... maintain flakiness!! I'll let you know how it goes!

2010-06-03T08:12:00.002-05:00

Minnesota nurses are but a few days away from making history... again.

Maybe all ignorance is somewhat purposeful, but I've really tried to avoid learning much about the upcoming strike (why? Oh, I really dislike confrontation). But, while I am not a member of the Minnesota Nurses Association, June 10 is going to be a really big day in nursing history & I do feel somewhat a part of it. For those who might be out of the political loop - as it relates to nursing anyway - let me give you an update: after a long spring of contract negotiations, 12,000 Minnesota nurses will be participating in a 24-hr strike as a way of "defending their patients and their practice".

I'm not really interested in touching on the complexities of this issue (feel free to see the MNA website if this really "strikes" your fancy), but I am interested in reconnecting with the philosophy of nursing. Because when people get all excited about the issues, I find myself becoming more introspective than usual.

This may come as a shock to many, but the fundamentals of nursing theory is not the first thing I think about when I get to work. At least not in the organized manner in which it is presented in Nursing 301. But theory drives our practice, whether or not we recognize it, and most of our theory is based on our personal values. And, as a large majority of nurses will tell you, above all nurses value their patients.

I could go on and on about what nursing means to me. But, let me share with you part of a letter the nurses at my hospital received from our Chief of Staff during Nurses Week...

"Despite the rise of technology medicine remains a highly personal endeavor. And it must be so. I think that an unspoken question exists in the mind of every parent, and every child, when they come to us for care. The question we hear center on the mechanics of medicine: Where do I park?, where do I register?, how long must I wait?, what will be done?, will it hurt, will it help? and so on. The unspoken question is: Will you care about me? The answer to that question determines the worth of everything that follows. ... our patients and families value the physical presence of those who provide care. They treasure it! It is how they measure whether we care about them. And who is more present than a nurse?"

The rising voices of contract nurses in the Twin Cities have challenged me. Why did I pick nursing? What values influence how I approach my career and my patients? How do I find a place in this healthcare system that seems to be overwhelmed by tasks, efficiency, quantifying people's emotions and that pesky bottom line?

How do we maintain our presence?

this brought me some comfort.

2010-03-10T21:01:00.001-06:00

The Bath
By Laura Gilpin

I stand here bathing her
while she sleeps
in a far place beyond my reaching.

I bathe her
as I have been taught to do:
first the eyes, then the forehead,
the face, the neck.

And as I work
I talk to her--in case she hears me
(believing that hearing is the last to go).

I tell her--I don't know why
but I tell her the time, the day,
the season, what the weather is doing,

lifting each arm to wash and dry it,
laying it down again at her side,
then the chest, the abdomen, each leg.

She offers no resistance,
except that of gravity,
the earth pulling her
down while I lift,
as though something between us
is being weighed.

Then I turn her to wash her back
talking to her about what seems to matter
in this life--though I make no promises.

Only this morning
the promise of spring was in the air
and I tell her that.

2010-02-05T19:39:00.003-06:00

Some nights I am inspired to cook. And, yes, it takes inspiration (which is more than a growling stomach). Tonight, I was not inspired but I had to make a dessert for work. Living in Minnesota, I have found, requires you to prepare things for potlucks every now and then...

So, being on dessert duty, I took my crisp, hardly used copy of "Homemade Cakes" off my kitchen self and proceeded to get very excited about a yogurt and fruit cake. Simple enough, less than 10 ingredient, most of which I already had. It was after I returned from the grocery store with vanilla yogurt that I started my necessary pep talk: "Ashlee, baking is like chemistry lab. This recipe has been proven to work. All you have to do is follow the directions & measure things carefully. It will be fine." Turns out baking and chemistry lab are a lot more similar than I thought - I'm not a natural at either.

After I started to realize (er, accept) that this attempt will likely end in failure, I decided to start following my intuition. Move the cake down a rack, set the timer for 5 more minutes... Nope still a failure. It's bubbling with heat, but not forming into a cake. My plan to teach myself to cook has turned into a waste of resources.

I think it is time for Plan B. I'm calling in sick.

2010-01-20T15:45:00.002-06:00

As you read my last few blogs, it might become obvious that I haven't been very inspired lately. I don't know why I write when I'm not really clear on all my thoughts - probably with the anticipation that writing will help sort them out?

Regardless, today I am feel inspired. Inspired and a little heartbroken. In the wake of Brown's Senate win yesterday, and the subsequent blow to the Healthcare Reform initiative, I stand completely dumbfounded. I don't even feel the need to comment on how irresponsible it is to elect a one-issue politician OR how ignorant it is to disregard healthcare reform when we are all one bad car accident or cancer diagnosis away from reaching our lifetime limit on our insurance policies (a limitation that will be revoked under Insurance Reforms), so I won't. Instead I will talk about why I still support federal healthcare reform. Because I whole-heartedly do.

I volunteer at a free clinic and I have noticed a new wave of clients in the past year. They remind me a lot of my dad - hard working men who were very well established in their careers, only to be laid off two or three years before they are eligible for retirement. Under healthcare reform, insurance coverage would be expanded for early retirees. Not only will this benefit the individuals, but the companies and our workforce in general, by opening up positions or preventing lay offs.

The state of Minnesota has the best "medical loss ratio" in the country. A "medical loss" is the money insurance companies pay to healthcare providers (yes, they count doing what they are supposed to do as a loss). Minnesota's insurance companies are required by law to use at least 91% of what you pay them to then pay the providers. Other states in our country don't "lose" even 60%. That means the patient is paying 40% more for healthcare than it actually costs!!! Under healthcare reform, minimum medical-loss ratios would be established, thus decreasing the insurance companies profit off of disease and disability.

95-98% of Americans would be provided with coverage & children will be covered until age 27. I think that one speaks for itself... especially when you consider how many new college graduates are unable to find jobs, let alone jobs with benefits.

Pre-existing condition clauses prevent people who have been diagnosed with cancer, and then go into remission, from being covered if the cancer should return. Healthcare reform would eliminate this entirely.

Increased affordability, through the institution of non-profit co-ops and the expansion of Medicaid, could be in our future. Instead, our country is choosing to continue down a road where 80% of all bankruptcies filed are due to high and unavoidable healthcare costs. Most of which have been accumulated by privately insured individuals (also part of my "lifetime limits" point).

Sure, this will take awhile. Best case scenario, it is up and running in 2014. And, I understand the hesitation of investing in an initially very expensive program. That's why the billions this reform will save our country over the next 10 years is important to keep in mind (if you are on the more money-conscious side of the argument).

The worst part of healthcare reform is that hospitals will be seeing less reimbursement for services rendered. That is why many institutions (the smart ones anyway) are preparing for this by evaluating costs and looking to high efficiency industries to get pointers on eliminating waste, increasing efficiency and ensuring that the quality of care provided does not suffer. Providers may need to run cheaper and less invasive tests when a patient initially presents with a headache instead of immediately rushing them down to the MRI room. But, is that really a bad change?

There are so many reasons I support Federal Healthcare Reform and I've really tried to show how it is not just a "theory" but something that is happening to people. Please see this as a part of discussion - I'm aware of all the other sides that exist. I just wanted to say my peace (/piece) about this particular side. I hope it's helpful....

twenty five in twenty ten. has a nice ring to it, don't you think?

2010-01-02T21:47:00.005-06:00

I have no idea what I should (want to) do with this year. I am tempted to make a resolution... my way of saying, "I have control!! I'm going to rock this year (instead of it rocking me... again)". Hm, not sure if that's actually how it works. But, how can decide to "roll with the tide" without sounding a bit apathetic about my life?

I am in a better place (whatever that means) this Jan 2 than I was last. Significantly better. There are reasons for this - mainly good decisions and a lot of love and support from my people. But, also I think a lot of this happiness has been sustained through a focus on my reaction to life rather than getting so distracted by the desire to control it. Because, as it turns out, control is quite impossible. And incredibly agonizing.

I am looking forward to discovering a new year... I have no idea what it holds, which is really exciting! Mostly because I know that I will be in good company, and that is all I need.

very merry.

2009-12-26T16:37:00.002-06:00

Christmas at the hospital is hard to figure out. On one hand, there is some excitement. The night nurses take on some Santa-like qualities and distribute the gifts from our Child Life dept in the patient rooms, the popcorn tins and bags of chocolate bells pile high, and everyone (and I mean everyone) is wearing some outrageous combination of red and green. On the other hand, no one wants to be in the hospital on Christmas - staff or patients! Grief comes out at funny, unexpected times, but I think it is safe to say that Christmas is not really an unexpected time.

Holidays, by nature it seems, cause us to crave the securities in life. It seems as if humanity is especially in need of comfort & community during the holiday season. As it turns out, finding yourself in a very unfamiliar life experience is not comforting. And while the emotional needs of our patients run high, the desire to be at work runs low for the caretakers. It is an important inequality to realize, I think. Tragically ironic how the opportunities to really impact a person in a positive way happen to also be a time when I might not be "in the mood" for it. (For the record, I believe caretakers have to be in the right place to "be present". People who say they are ready to take on all the severe emotional needs of other people all the time are not very aware - or they have reached an incredible emotional maturity that I merely dream of. That's my opinion at least. The problem with that, I will admit, is that people don't always have time for you to get in the right emotional/spiritual place, but that's a topic for another blog).

Anyway, Christmas at the hospital is tricky. It's not a time that people want to outline in their holiday letters. But, it's not automatically a time that people will be inconsolable. I believe in the significance of faith & I am often in awe of how some are able to genuinely stand in the face of real tragedy and remain committed to things like life and love. I'm certain that there are always going to be times when you would have to fight for that kind of peace, though. The idea that peace washes over us is nice and probably true to some extent but, I also think there is some kind of battle involved - a reclaiming of the good and a rejection of all that enslaves us.

Redemption composes all that is good about Christmas, which by definition means there is something from which we need to be redeemed. No life is immune to grief - some grief will be manifested in small ways, other grief will take hold of us and never seems to release it's grip. No matter the experience, pain is always significant - but, may our spirits be moved to remain open to living in freedom and love.

Receive and give, my friends. Merry Christmas.

for the record.

2009-12-15T17:57:00.005-06:00

I am an aunt. And, while this post will be focused on only one aspect of my "aunt-ness", I would like to just start by saying my nephew is probably one of my favorite people... ever. I love him quite a bit and I have a feeling that he will only get cooler with time.

Now, part of being an aunt is showering these little humans with gifts. At least, that is part of being an aunt for me. I have been on the search for some practical gifts for him, as is the nature of me (practical) and the holiday season (gifts), and I have come to find that I hate the baby/infant/toddler "product world". Not only are clothes ugly, they are SO gendered and confrontational. Boys can, apparently, only wear clothes that say things like "stud" or "jock" or "my dad can beat up your dad" or " this is what handsome looks like" or "here comes trouble" or "ladies man". Oh, and the absolute worst was "my mom is hotter than your mom"... somehow, amazingly, one little baby bib is able to not only keep your clothes clean but also reinforce gender stereotypes.

Not only do I refused to spend my money on this garbage, but I will not be responsible for socializing a generation of self involved, competitive, smart mouthed kids. What if my nephew doesn't want to be a jock? What if he wants to be a poet? Or, maybe both. Do they have bibs that say, "be who you are and love other people"? No. And, really, why does it have to say anything at all? It's this weird, subtle objectification of our children that people indulge in merely to boost their own self images... if you want people to know you are hot or strong or produce genetically perfect children that will inevitably grow into irresistible sex objects, then wear it on your own shirt.

I also have negative feelings about anything princess or diva themed, for all the same reasons. My dislike of pastel, baby animals is less socially minded, but I might as well just say I don't like those very much either. Well, that's not true. Even animals are gendered - boys get strong animals like lions and elephants and girls get the pretty, gentle animals (that don't eat much) like birds and kittens.

It's everywhere, people.

Sigh. That's really all, I don't have any brilliant ideas on how to fix this problem, other than craft my own baby clothes. I don't have high hopes that this will actually happen, so we're sticking to solids, stripes and argyle this year, Henrik.

2009-12-06T10:35:00.004-06:00

During my trip to NYC I was able to visit Resurrection Presbyterian Church with my friends. I have been able to enjoy more sermons from this church since being home, through their website.

If anyone else is interested, I've added them to my "recommendations" column.

2009-12-05T07:24:00.002-06:00

Work, by nature, is going to be hard. Some of us look at this task and desire to find something that fits who we are, something that puts our personal motivations to good use and maybe (or hopefully) brings out some good in the world. I understand that not everyone feels this way about occupation - work is not life and so on. This is true, and part of me is jealous of this mindset. Oh, to see my profession as a paycheck seems so.... nice... right about now.

I am getting better at "drawing a line" between work and life. But, I will admit that is feels a bit counterintuitive. Not because I think bringing work home is necessary, or even helpful, but because I just can't turn things on and off that quickly! Like I said, this takes practice and I still have a lot of time to work out the kinks with this one. But, when you are investing yourself into someone all day, it takes more than just the drive home to stop thinking about them. At least for me.

I identified a whole new, ironic aspect to this yesterday at work. After 8 days of "caring" with what felt like my whole body, I crashed. 2pm, no charting done, no food in my tummy and I felt like more of my self control was being used to keep myself from crawling under the desk than finishing my shift well. After I managed to squeeze in a snack (and the subsequent increase in blood sugar), I remembered how much harder things are for my little patients. The last thing (or maybe one of the last things) they need is a nurse who isn't willing to give. But, how do I give genuinely when all I want is a nice, cold (and preferably huge) beer?

Hm... remembering how much I have been given, how much I've been loved. Imagining myself in their position is always good, I suppose. Eating. Certainly that helps. And, time away, experiencing my own life. 7/8 days is a long time.

SO! The next post will be much more upbeat.... Seriously. My weekend is already off to a wonderful start. Enough about this... off to enjoy a few days away.

After I get my oil changed, of course.

2009-11-10T21:09:00.002-06:00

Weekends are sometimes good for grocery shopping, sleeping in, laundry, post office runs, etc. But, sometimes weekends are good for leaving things undone, skipping town and spending face-to-face time with my people. This past weekend was fortunate enough to be of the later variety, and it was just in time.

I count my people as among my most significant blessings. In this category, of course, is my family. My friends, too, are just wonderful, unique, talented, inspirational people and I'm not sure where I'd be without them. A variety, you may call us, but a good mix for sure. Three of these lovelies live out east - one in CT, two in NYC. So, I was able to soak up some good time with them and see new and beautiful places.

And, I have (unfortunately?) learned that I really really love New York City. I was there as a teenager, but experiencing it as a 24-year old is much different, right? We didn't indulge in the more intense NYC experience, but rather played the low key card and enjoyed coffee at Blue Sky Bakery in Brooklyn, caught the Staten Island Ferry for some (free) sightseeing, walked from Brooklyn to Manhattan via the bridge, enjoyed bits of Soho, made our way through Central Park, ate some street food, and did a fairly good job of drinking wonderful coffee by day and lovely wine by night. Looking back, highlights are easy to find.

I'm not sure what it was about the city that drew me in so much. I mean, it is a very large city... but, cities are cities?? Maybe. There was just something different about New York - like, I never felt alone while I was there. The hustle didn't bring up any sort of anxiety in me, but rather I felt calmer than I have in a really long time (the quite of my apt now, for example, is having quite the opposite effect). The word "magic" is coming to mind, although it feels a bit exaggerated for what I'm actually trying to say. Regardless of what it's called, I felt so good being there. A kind of good this girl hasn't felt in a long time.

I'm not going to post pictures because I just don't have the energy... soon, though. While the weekend was nearly perfect it was also quite exhausting. In a wonderful sort of way.

2009-10-30T11:12:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, volunteers came around the unit with a cart full of children-sized Halloween costumes. One of my little patients asked in eager anticipation, "do you have a Buzz Lightyear outfit?"

We all breathed relief as the volunteer dug through her pile and proudly held up one, very precious space cadet costume.

And so, his mom and I worked to get the costume onto this little body. Disconnected the IV for just a minute, cut the costume as needed to get it over tubes and around braces... pretty soon we had a (very modified) Buzz Lightyear in our midst.

He was so delighted! And, really, so were we.

2009-10-15T20:45:00.002-05:00

This week has been marked by tragedy. My journal is missing.

Ok, so you all know me and know that I sometimes say things that are a bit on the dramatic side, but I am being completely honest and fairly rational when I say this is the saddest thing that has happened to me in a very long time.

I started (serious, committed) journaling in 2005. Since then I have really come to cherish the little books that are my testimonial. You know the question, "if you are stranded on an island and you can have one thing it would be..." or "if your house was on fire and you could bring one material thing with you ..." Hands down, I would choose my journals. It is on those perfectly blank pages that I find most freedom to express my ideas. There is no need for correct grammar, flow, sentence structure... anything really. I can do whatever I want - have any opinion - in my journal and no one gets to know. And, no one gets to tell me that what I'm feeling is wrong or I should approach a situation in a different way... or whatever.

I know that the loss of this journal is not the loss of journaling. But, it is the loss of a year's worth of knee-jerk reactions, deep reflection and sweet anticipation. I wrote about my first days as a nurse in this journal, my first (professional) experience with death. The overwhelming joys of meeting my first nephew. The nervous excitement that came with moving into my very own apartment. Gosh, even the thrill of watching our nation's first African American President take office. To not have my written memories of all that is so.... sad.

Normally when something like this happens, I would journal about it. But, since that isn't an option right now I will blog. And, I can say with confidence that blogging is really second best.

2009-10-13T20:15:00.000-05:00

Last summer I was invited to join an online book club. As you can imagine, the lack of face-to-face interaction made it very difficult for me to stay committed to the text. Well, that and the fact that The Brothers Karamazov was not an ideal pick for light summer reading.

The thick beige and red book has been patiently waiting for me on my bookshelf and I have decided to give good ol' Fyodor another shot. I am 19 pages in and already in love. Not because it is incredibly easy, or because I feel as if I've been hooked by action or glamour... but, rather, because it is just beautiful.

This book is going to be no small task for me - mostly because my nursing school experience has resulted in the development of a special reflex. The one that makes me go to sleep two paragraphs into any kind of reading. I have determination, though, to retrain my attention span to not only stay focused during these long pages, but to actually .... get ready for it... enjoy reading again.

In hopes of "setting the stage" for this endeavor, I went to the Russian Museum of Art in Minneapolis last weekend. I don't know much about Russia - at all - and I thought that maybe by getting a small glimpse of how Russian artists interpret their culture, I'd be in a better place to enjoy this novel.

But, it didn't really help. Well, ok, that might not be true. It just didn't help as much as I had hoped. What I did find is that a.) I love Russian art (at least the art they have at this museum) and b.) I want to learn more about Russia.

I was talking to one of the museum volunteers and he was telling me about an exhibit they are trying to bring in this coming spring. It is composed of art that came from the Siege of Leningrad. Now many of you, I am sure, have heard of this part of history. I will blame my ignorance on my intense participation in biology and anatomy during college and less interaction with the "arts" and history classes. It is probably fine that I am learning this late. Anyway, I have spent some time exploring the details of this 900 day siege - a siege that took more lives than any other modern day conflict. And what I have found is actually quite amazing.

From what I can tell, this siege did many things to Leningrad. Mainly - and I'm not trying to make light here - it destroyed it, right? But, like Annie Dillard taught me to say, there is so much evidence of "the inrush of power and light" in the stories I've read tonight. Stories of human resiliency and motivation to cling to good and deny evil. The German and Finnish armies cut off all sources of life from Leningrad - it started in September and by winter there was no heat, no electricity, only ounces of bread for each person. But, in the face of this all, the people of Leningrad did not surrender. FOR 900 DAYS. I also read stories of people risking their lives to dig up potatoes in forbidden fields, only to then surrender their sweet harvest to authorities so they could be distributed equally among all the civilians. The city even commissioned cooks and chefs to "invent" high-calorie soups and breads to be distributed in the bread lines. Granted, their supplementation of cotton for flour didn't provide what people needed. Most during this time died of starvation or from the actual bombings. I think it is only accurate to say that with each sweet story of devotion to the whole community, there were also terrifying stories of human desperation. Factory workers eating oil off machines to satisfy hunger.... and of public authorities creating special forces focused primarily on attacking the cannibalism that eventually developed.

One might think the end of this siege was a beautiful day for Russia. I'm sure it was in many ways, but I think it was probably also a quiet victory. An unbelieving sigh of relief, or whatever could be mustered up by the souls who still stood 900 days after suck darkness struck their city. The Red Army, an army of Russian revolutionaries, eventually brought defeat to the German forces.

My visit to the museum did good things for my curiosities about Russia, although, like I said, none actually lead me any closer to understanding The Brothers specifically. But, I'm just going to say that is okay. Because there is a lot to know about the world, and learning it a little at a time is just fine.

2009-10-11T23:02:00.000-05:00

Sometimes things happen and all I can do is shrug. I don't know the answer, I don't know where to go, I don't even know how to identify what went wrong. These are the situations that are most defeting for me. Not only because I am at a loss, but because I feel like I shouldn't be. Like, the Christian life is supposed to be an easy one, filled with right answers and only the occassional mistake that leads to a greater understanding or brings your closer to becoming that beautiful, whole person who won't ever make the same mistake twice. Seriously? Who told me that was true? They are w-r-o-n-g.

The Christian life isn't about having all the right answers, but living in a grace that redeems us from our shortcomings. While I might not ever know exactly the right answer to every one of life's challenges, I do know that having empty hands might not always be a bad thing. When my little patients cry at night, I might not ever have a perfect response to their grief. I don't know if I will ever be able to look one of them in the eye and say, "this is how we fix your problem". This is hard for me to accept because I so want to solve problems! My own, but also their's. I don't want them to live in pain, confusion, or grief. I want them to be freed from it.

People ask me sometimes how I can "do what I do". Good question. I'm not totally sure of the answer, but I do know that I would never make it if I haven't been blessed with at least a small shred of inner peace. Because, really, there are a thousand evidences of redemption in each day. It's just about being in the right place to notice them.

uncountable blessings.

2009-09-27T17:02:00.000-05:00

This weekend has been full of good things. Unfortunately, for most of it I was not in a very "receiving" sort of mood. As I look back, though, I see so much evidence of a happy life.

I made a list yesterday... and it went on. And on. And on. I have been given so much! Who am I to grumble at the little things I feel I am missing? Discontentment costs so much - time & energy, mostly - and I do not want to miss out on enjoying all the beautiful things God has given me!

So, today, I enjoyed my life. True, some of it has to be from a distance (ehem, TN... WI... CT... NY... China...). But, there was much comfort in knowing it was out there.

In celebration, I am making a pot of chicken wild rice soup and sharing it with friends. Cheers. To a very good life.

2009-08-16T21:13:00.000-05:00

sometimes my patients say things i feel like everyone should hear and enjoy...

patient: ashlee, i'm going to give you the biggest hug of your life
ashlee: you are?! do you think i'm ready for that?
patient: maybe you should spit out your gum first.

2009-08-08T21:50:00.000-05:00

Tonight I'm finding refuge at my friends' house. Tornadoes are swirling around the twin cities, not really sure what they are up to. So, I packed up and relocated to a place that seems more tornado ready. As in, they have a basement that doesn't freak me out. And that I wouldn't have to share with my pot-smoking neighbors at a moments notice.

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Life has been moving along at a good pace... I would consider myself settled in the apartment, which is nice. I really do love it. Just the way it is.

August is not about being home, though. That does make me feel a little drained, but soon it will be done and I can begin the process of settling into fall.

Fall. Wow. Too soon.

2009-05-31T21:10:00.000-05:00

On the spectrum of hard life transitions, my recent move falls very low. Still, it was a transition and we all know how uncomfortable those can be. I have a feeling it might have something to do with the indefinite time frame - you never really know when you are going to stop transitioning. Which, for a person who loves schedules and predictability, this is an uncomfortable reality.

Still, this past week has been filling with blessings. Mainly, I am in awe of the quality of my people. Many hands do make light work and I was amazed at how many hands were willing to take part in a definitely not fun process. I am thankful for them and while I know it isn't about keeping score, I do really hope that I can be that kind of friend to them. They didn't just make the move easier, but they are really influencing the transition, too. I could feel alone in this new place - well, because I kind of am - but I have people! People who actually like me!! It's a comforting thing.

Thanks guys. You are great.

so GREEN

2009-05-02T04:01:00.000-05:00

Two days ago I went for a nice long walk after work and was struck by how green and alive everything looked! I guess there are just some things you don't notice when you are driving.

2009-04-07T22:28:00.000-05:00

When you talk to nurses, one of the most common reasons they will give for entering the field is for the "rewards", those invisible little experiences that sometimes have the super charged power of adrenaline and keep us going on days when it seems like the walls of the hospital are about to cave in.

The difficult thing about these satisfying moments is that you never really know when you are going to find one. You see, there are days when you can't figure out how to best help your patient. Days when you can't remember everything you are supposed to do and end up passing off part of your job to the next shift. Days when parents are looking to you to solve the problem, but really you can't fix everything. This is the most incredibly frustrating part - I went into this profession to help out. Terrible things happen in this world and someone needs to be on the other side of them to help people get their lives back. I can do that. Or, rather, I want to do that. Turns out you can't help people in every way they need to be helped. Huh, turns out.

What hinders love?

2009-03-30T13:59:00.000-05:00

This week at church we talked about love - not how to do it, but why we don't do it. I liked this approach, as the "how" reasons often leave me feeling inadequate or incapable. Do any of us love everyone all the time? No, I mean if "being kind and compassionate" is how we show love to a person, I fall short constantly!

There are always going to be those simple frustrations that lead to not-loving thoughts toward people... Or those times when I just don't go out of my way to show love to someone... But, for right now I want to dig into the more difficult situations. What do I do when my heart so wants to fill with hate - hate for the drunk driver that brings yet another patient into my unit, hate for the person who rapes a 12 year old, hate for person who lies and steals from my friend? I've heard we are supposed to not hate the person, but rather what the person does. That makes sense... sometimes. But, sometimes it is really hard to separate the person from their actions. Actions speaking louder than words and all that...

But, I really do believe we are supposed to love. Return love for hate, believe in hope where there is none... Now, just for that "why" question.

First, I think it is important to say that to know what love is does not necessarily produce it. I can have a great amount of love for my family, and know how to feel and express it, but have no love for another person. The idea we were challenged with on Sunday was this: Love is an evidence that something has already happened. So, I can love because I have been loved. I have been forgiven, so I can forgive. The passage we focused on was in Luke: "he who is forgiven little, loves little". If we don't believe we have much to be forgiven for (self righteousness), how can we love another person?

So, ok, back to the question: what hinders love? Well, maybe it is the minimization of our need for forgiveness (the ultimate act of love). Do we consider ourselves more deserving of love than another person? I wonder, what would happen if we started to consider others better than ourselves. Is it our merit that makes us deserving of love, or is it simply about who we are? That is a counter-cultural idea, I'd say, but I'm just throwing it out there as food for thought :-)

The "love is patient, love is kind" list does an excellent job of informing our hearts, but it doesn't transform us (at least not me). The transforming power, I think, comes when I remember how greatly & wholly I've been loved. That is motivating.

2009-03-23T16:23:00.000-05:00

Jumping right back into work, post-vacation, is hard. But, complaining is boring and I think finding joy makes for a happier person... so, I'm trying anyway. True, there are days when you have to think really hard to find the "highlights", but I have an easy one from yesterday that I hope someone will enjoy hearing about it.

So, I have this patient who loves her baby doll. She has this sweet stroller that my 6-year old self would totally covet and she will spend a good chunk of her free time pushing her around the unit. We put a little diaper on her to keep her decent, sometimes I check her heart with my stethoscope to make sure she is staying healthy, and once I showed my patient how to swaddle her in a pillow case (apparently I did it wrong because it came off immediately). Anyway, my little patient is in a wheelchair and pushing your own wheelchair plus a toy stroller comes with certain challenges, right? It was slow going for a while, but as I watched her I decided not to step in and push her wheelchair for her because 1.) she seemed content and 2.) why interrupt such beautiful determination? Probably about one hour into this I look over into our playroom and see that my resourceful little patient had figured out a way to hook the stroller to the side of her wheelchair so she could propel the wheelchair and bring the stroller along with her... she and dolly were on their way!

Ok, so I admit that might be a corny story, but I loved it! Her dedication, resourcefulness... love it all. When you work with kids probably the best, most rewarding thing to watch is them finding their own way. I think this is a perfect, "little" example of that. Sometimes I just wish people could come see my kids just so they could see how awesome and capable they are! Disabilities don't exist in our hospital - only creative solutions. She taught me to remember how much really is outside the box.

2009-03-20T13:52:00.001-05:00

Ok, here is an assortment of the pictures. I think it is safe to say that I am addicted to beautiful places!

At MSP and ready to go!

About to hit the beach

Ah, we have arrived....

Doing a really good job of enjoying the sun

Dressed up for dinner

Ooh, real Mexican food. So good!

On the Eco Cat, ready for our tour!

We missed Katie every day.

Lover's Beach - apparently the 9th most beautiful beach in the world

Ready to snorkle!!

Post-snorkle party on the boat!

The fun lasted all day :-)
And then we saw whales! A mom and calf... they were incredible!!

At Harley Davidson's

Me and my gals :-) More beach time on our last day

Our last Cabo dinner.... at the resort. So sad to leave!

2009-03-19T22:24:00.001-05:00

Well, I am sitting in sweet, predictable MN. After a week in WI and then nearly 5 days in Cabo, I have to admit that a small part of me is happy to be sitting in the familiarity of my living room. Yes, I do wish there was an ocean a mere steps from my couch and a $1 Corona in my hand, but I guess you can't have it all, all the time. I was going through the stages of grief today as we were on our way out, nearly begging God to "just give me one more day" in our lovely resort with beautiful food, warm sun and a beach full of luscious men, but I guess He has other plans for my Friday. It appears that they include:

- doing my taxes
- laundry
- groceries/dinner
- cleaning room/bathroom

Oh I can hardly stand all the fun.

2009-03-10T05:58:00.000-05:00

I would like to take just a moment to point out that I do not have to be back to work until after Cabo. This is good news, people.

2009-03-08T03:13:00.000-05:00

I have found something new to love about daylight savings. When you work overnight, 3:00 comes one minute after 1:59! Suddenly, I am nearly half way done with my shift, which is so nice because I slept only like 45 min this afternoon. Insomnia, you ask? No, just fun - it was a great day, why sleep through it?

When I say "fun", I really mean lunch with Adam, tanning, washing my windows (hello, sun!), spending time with Katie, going to church... Oh, I also went to the MIA and saw the limited time New Guinea exhibit. That was great.

What I love about the art I saw today was that it was so beautiful & functional. Drums, paddles, shields, bowls. Most of the aesthetic appeal was also functional to some extent- connecting ones self to nature, ancestors, a certain task (often war or hunting). I loved that they carved their bowls shallow, with beautiful swirls and curls in the bottom, so they could hang them on the wall and display art in between uses. Yes, why can't bowls be art? I also loved that when they carved designs in their battle shields, they incorporated their familial history in the art as another means of protection. I mean, if you had a great warrior in your family, might as well bring along his/her spirit when you go to war, right?

Anyway, it seems that I have an important decision to make: who would I want to carve out of wood and perch at the top of my shield?

Ok, these are my more "less distantly related" options:

Mom: She's feisty - I wouldn't want to see what would happen should someone threaten her family or home. And she'd look good doing it, which is important in my cultural context.
Dad: He's a protector, too - and always seems to know what's right. Hm, I might need his level head in battle. And, he's a craftsman, which would come in handy when assembling said shield.
Grandpas: Both in the army, both skilled craftsmen. Yes, with their help I could make weapons and then actually know how to use them. And, I think with Grandpa Harms's help I'd be a fair and honorable warrior, which would be important should I ever want the privilege of being perched on top of someone else's shield (it is never too soon to think about these things, you know).
Grandmas: Fearless, these ladies. Ha, and we can't forget about the time Grandma Brown marched over to that girl after school and punched her for making fun of her new yellow coat. Yeah, it might be wise for me to tap into some of that spirit, should I need it.

Look at that, what a well equipped & useful group of ancestors I have. Ok, I think I might be ready.

2009-03-06T16:53:00.000-06:00

Last week I started in my new volunteer role at a free healthcare clinic in the area. I was nervous to make the commitment, but that melted away and let my true excitement take over as the night went on. I really had a great time and I can't wait to go back!

I will probably blog about this clinic again - about the patients, the other nurses, the cute 1950's exam tables that probably have more stories to tell than the 1970's decor - but, I'm really excited to write about something else I experienced that first night.

First, I should explain that our governor is proposing that just a tremendous portion of the state's healthcare budget (including MnCare) get cut by nearly $500 million. In response to this proposition, a group of more socially convicted legislators in our area set out to see what sort of affect that would have on our local hospitals and health clinics. While this clinic does not receive funding from the government, it does function as a public health provider in a pretty flawless way. This guy came just to kind of check out what we do and how... who we see and why... etc etc. And, I'm assuming how cutting federal funding will compromise our ability to offer care as it will bring more and more people to our doors.

Well, of course, the director of our clinics came with and asked me to share with this man why I decided to volunteer with this organization. This is when I got really excited - I was able to share with someone (who maybe cared at least a little bit?) why I do what I do and what motivates me. The funny thing is - I actually feel like he was listening! We eventually got to talking about the hospital I work for, since it is one of the hospitals that will get hit hardest with this upcoming budget cut, & I was able to articulate to him why the children we see are unique and special and what budget cuts would do to the care they receive and the quality of life they are therefore able to enjoy (or not enjoy). This is a serious issue, and I actually felt like he understood it. These proposed budget cuts will save the state a large chunk o' change, but will cost the hospitals even more (I think the cuts are to save the state about $500m and will cost hospitals about $700m). Providers will be less able to refer patients to specialists, provide "elective" surgeries (is quality of life elective?), and offer patient resources that can actually help prevent health issues in the first place.

Ok, wait, I didn't really want this blog to get political, because I realize there are going to be people who see the government as not responsible for these things... I understand that there are always many sides to an issue. My point, really, is just to say how excited I was to advocate for my kids! Their little faces are hidden behind the politics of it all and I so appreciated this guys interested. Even if he was just pretending to care - we were all excited to share with someone about the things that give us life. And that is to care of the people who might otherwise be forgotten. Simple as that.

Please don't take that from me, Pawlenty.

ok, no seriously, not trying to be political :-)

Tennessee

2009-03-01T15:04:00.000-06:00

I was able to secure a(nother) trip to TN this week and spend time with Ariel and Henrik!! We played, cooked, went on walks, and just generally enjoyed each others company... face to face!!! Boy do I love them.... (oh, and funny how I came away with zero pics of Ariel and I! Whoops!)

You can't see them, but he's sportin' the new shoes Auntie Ashlee brought for him!

There they are! So cute!!

Bath time! I can't remember if this is before or after he "shot" himself in the face :-)

Henrik, the cherub

What kind of auntie would I be if I didn't give a few face smooshing kisses every once in a while?!

Play time!

Outfit #47 (he goes through more clothes in one day than me!)

What a sweet boy!

Where are my sweet potatoes?!

I so wish I could see this new little family more often, but I am incredibly thankful for the opportunities I have to visit them. I hope I can make it down there again soon!

2009-02-24T01:24:00.000-06:00

I woke up today only to find that I had 6 missed calls on my cell phone! Of course, I went into panic mode, assuming only that something must be wrong if I had so many missed calls from the same person. But, to my delight, I listened to the first voicemail and found Mark, the boyfriend of my good friend Kelly, on the other end. He had called "just to tell me" that he had plans to propose to her tonight (!!) and was wondering if I could meet up with them and some other friends and family for a celebration get-together later that evening. Ummm... of course!!

As I was driving over, I began to think of all the things I appreciate about them as individuals and as a couple. In general, I am so overly blessed by my friends - they are indeed people of integrity, ambition, spirit, and - hello! - are so much fun. So, as Kelly always says, I spent the evening "drinking the drinks and laughing the laughs" with a very happy group. It was a smile-y night, to say the least.

2009-02-21T02:47:00.000-06:00

I need to keep better tally of what makes me laugh.

Seriously, people, life is funny.

Time to Travel

2009-02-16T02:58:00.000-06:00

Well, I have actually followed through on some of my goals for 2009. Not only have I signed up for a PALS certification class, which is more about my professional development, I have created an account on expedia.com and secured two trips that will take place over the next two months. A road trip may be in the works for the end of March (fingers-crossed), and expedia might be getting more of my paycheck come April.

So far we've got...
TN Feb
Cabo March
NYC? April

Any suggestions for May?

Another goal of mine was to get more involved in my community (via nursing?) and I am hoping to start orientation at a free clinic this Tuesday. We'll see what happens with this one - work is picking up and that might make my schedule a bit tougher to work with. No, actually, I should make this a priority. People need help and I don't need to spend all my days off sitting around. Or going on vacation.

2009-02-04T10:04:00.000-06:00

Correction from last post:
A friend came to me and said, "I don't get your last post, you know success isn't defined by all that other stuff". Yes, I do. I don't know if I made my point very clear, or if it was just lost. So, to be clear: I know that success isn't measured through possessions, jobs, degrees, awards, etc, etc. But, I kind of feel this pressure "in the real world" to prove myself. And in the "world" proving yourself is often done through showing off these tokens of success. While I do not want to buy into that superficial approach to life, I was feeling a bit weak to it. The blog was sort of a self pep-talk.

Moving on...

I saw Revolutionary Road yesterday and I want to TALK ABOUT IT SO BADLY!!! So, people, hurry up and go see it so I can blog about it and externalize all my thoughts. I feel like it is a movie I need to learn from & I certainly can't do that by holding all my thoughts in! So, go... seriously, do it now. For yourself... and a little bit for me :-)

2009-01-29T22:50:00.000-06:00

Winter might not be a frustrating time for everyone, but it certainly is for me. It's hard to stay hopeful when you can feel your inside seize every time you step outside, you know? Let me tell you, winter in MN is not fun. And those who know me know that I love fun.

Anyway, thinking about my freezing toes is getting me side tracked. My idea/plan for this blog was actually to write about success. What success means to people, how we like to communicate it to the world, etc. I suppose it might be helpful to clarify what I mean exactly by success. I guess the pressures I have been feeling lately have to do with the right job, right look, right relationships, right ideas... does that help you see where I'm coming from? Ok, I'm going to dive right in...

When coming into success, there are different ways in which people react. Some like to clear their throat and yell, "I've arrived!!"... some people like to share it with someone special... some never really know if they've made it or not because they never sit still long enough to be satisfied. I have seen many friends come into what I see as success. The interesting observation is not this "arrival" or whatever, but how they react to it. Most are humbled (I really do have exceptional friends). Some are not satisfied and just crave more and more. And, then there are some who just stare and wonder "when is it all going to crash in around me?" I see all of these reactions as motivating in one way (direction) or another and it leaves me on nights like this wondering, "what is success going to look like for me?" and "how do I know when I have it?"

Well, simply put, there are indicators of success and mostly they have to do with tangible things that can be shown off. Don't get me wrong, there are lots of things that I want in my life. They range from healthy relationships to a challenging career to a Master's degree to hang on my wall to maybe someday a pair of beautiful Manolo Blahniks :-) But, this is what I wonder -- are these things success, indicators of success, or just a cover?

This internal discussion has been motivated by certain observations I've made over the last week. Just during my day to day activities I've overheard statements like, "Apparently, I'm really awesome on paper and in real life" and "I'm a good American - I work really hard AND spend a lot of money" and my favorite is the nod of agreement and the awkward "mm-hmm" whenever a compliment is offered, instead of the polite "thank you". Whatever, I'm not as concerned with these actual examples, mostly I just wanted to highlight them because I feel like offering examples is a good way of building solid discussion. Really, when I get down to it, my point is that these public expressions of success make me uncomfortable. Not only are they potentially oh so temporary, but what do they do to build people up positively? They are at their root selfish, yes? Self serving, self promoting, self loving. Where does that leave those of us who are tempted by these sweet fruits of success (hello, Manolos!) but really know deep down that this is actually not where success lives. How are we to fight it? How are we supposed to combat this elevation of self and love of success? It's almost like a twisted form of 21st Century Social Evolution. Whoever becomes coolest the fastest wins.

GO.

No, wait. I'm not letting this social pressure have power over what I think is going to be success for me. Maybe I won't have much to show for my plan to just "care for others" but maybe I don't need tangible evidence. Maybe it isn't really care if you go into it for yourself. Maybe, just maybe, if I go into it this way the little evidences of "success" won't overshadow the whole point of it all. Because we all know that Degrees and beautiful friends and interesting (socially "hip") passions are not necessarily bad things. So perhaps it isn't about avoiding them, just not using them as our main motivation.

Yes, I like it. Ok, now GO.

2009-01-20T08:44:00.000-06:00

I have plans to write more about this wonderful day - the inaugural day of President Elect Barack Obama - but, for now, please enjoy this video of MLK Jr....

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/programmes/world_news_america/7838851.stm

...and this video of the celebrations in Kenya...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7436720.stm

2009-01-16T09:34:00.000-06:00

I am using this post to show off this beautiful nephew of mine....

restless mornings

2009-01-13T05:07:00.000-06:00

the hospital is quiet... finally... just waiting for things to get stirred up again come 7:00. this morning i got home from work overtired. emotionally, physically... getting into bed, putting in my ear plugs and covering my eyes with my cloud covered eye mask didn't seem to do the trick like other mornings. even a benadryl didn't seem to weaken the sprinter that apparently took over my body. my legs wanted to run, my eyes apparently wanted to cry, and my brain just wouldn't take a break. it was in the midst of this incredible restlessness that i decided i am tired of making decisions. seriously, it's been constant for the last 6 months. about work and life and friends.... about who i vote for, about boys, about health insurance and retirement and money and everything... seriously, universe, please don't ask me my opinion. as of today, i don't have one. as of today i am on a decision vacation. hopefully to be followed by an actual vacation because as we all know, decision vacations are a completely ridiculous idea.

2009-01-07T09:01:00.000-06:00

This morning I woke up missing Africa. A year ago today I was in Mbale, living and learning along side my classmates, Pastor Sam & his family, and all the MMM workers. Tomorrow, my birthday, I spent with Nathan and his family, experiencing life in a village for the first time. It's true that time & distance do a wonderful job of bringing only the sweetest memories to the surface, but today I find myself longing to walk the rusty dirt roads of Uganda.

2009-01-04T21:33:00.000-06:00

New Year. New Plans. Or old plans just reignited.

1.) The Brothers Karamazov. It's going to happen.
2.) Travel (TN & NYC in Feb, something warm in March, a few more TN trips maybe... and then CAIRO in November?!?)
3.) Volunteer
4.) PALS certification (Pediatric Advanced Life Support - sort of a "professional aspiration")
5.) Buy my own car

Feeling feverish

2008-12-29T02:36:00.000-06:00

If there was a recipe for winter restlessness, the past week would have provided all the right ingredients. Bitter cold air, sunshine-free skies, stale apartment air that cannot be remedied without opening a window (which also happen to be frozen shut), road conditions that lead to an unexpected trip into the ditch that took 3 days to remedy, and the grand finale, the stomach flu. Now some of these ingredients just lead to an overall disassociated feeling, while others actually lead to disassociation. It is these factors (or ingredients, rather) that leave the most bitter taste in your mouth, often leading to a most uncomfortable - and unfriendly - mood.

In the midst of this "I can't get anything right!" feeling, however, there are times when you get a refreshing dose of sweet summer. Whether it be over Swedish tea ring on Christmas morning, or during a heart-to-heart with a most favorite sister. No matter how short these times may be, they begin to melt that frozen tundra in your perspective. The trick is not letting your attitude turn into black ice when you suddenly find your lungs getting smaller as they fill with frozen air. Today, I found, bowling (!!!) was the key. Tomorrow? I'm not sure. But, because of today, I'm hopeful there will be something.

2008-12-15T08:28:00.000-06:00

Christmas in the hospital is always bittersweet. While the staff does so much to make the holidays happy for the patients, it can never be quite the same as being home. Our crooked plastic tree is covered with bright pink and blue and red plastic bulbs, and while it is inviting, having your own tree, crooked or not, seems to bring a different kind of enjoyment. Santa is no stranger to our unit, he proudly walks from room to room on Christmas morning, handing out coloring books and crayons, little toys and games. This year, though, Santa came a few days early! He arrived on our unit not once this past weekend, but three times! Sponsored by a local business, he came bearing gifts and gifts and gifts ... and more gifts!! Apparently, the "suits" in this corporation decided to donate their holiday bonuses and buy oh so many presents for our sweet children. Santa walked over to one of our kids and asked, "what do you want for Christmas this year?" As "iPod" was spelled out on a communication board, Santa's face grew a happy grin. He said he wasn't able to get an iPod, but wondered if an MP3 player would do. The tremendous smile he got in return was answer enough! So, even though each bed is a little smaller because of the large stuffed Care Bears that have suddenly moved in, the Christmas spirit is alive in our halls. And, so what if these holiday bonuses weren't a huge sacrifice? So what if it was a sales tactic? I guess I'd just like to believe that generosity still exists ... and if it made the children laugh, I'm not really going to spend time questioning it.

Things I learned today...

2008-12-02T18:02:00.001-06:00

1.) Turns out, despite the mission of motivational speakers everywhere (and apparently the "motivational bumbersticker" I saw on my way home), "giving of yourself"/compassion/whatever does have a limit. Hopefully though, we all reach our limits at different times so we can cover for each other when someone feels spent.

2.) That I have maybe entered into my nurse-hood officially. Even though I felt sick and puke-y all day and my patients actually were puking all day, I was able to hold it together. Didn't even gag when all I had to catch "it" with was a towel and my hands. Yep, I have arrived.

3.) That I am blessed by the people around me. Specifically, but certainly not limited to, those who bring me Panera soup on nights when my nose is stuffed and I have to breath through my mouth and I probably have bad breath and I am probably contagious.

2008-11-14T09:38:00.000-06:00

Some people say that each day comes with different experiences, each experience comes with different feelings. Lately, though, each day seems to come with the same experiences and each experience comes with similar feelings. And while they aren't ideal, I'm (slowly) starting to realize that things aren't always going to be ideal, but maybe it isn't about the things. Maybe it's about our approach.

Keeping this challenge from upseting the blessings in my life is hard, but it also has the potential to be the most destructive. I know that I am prone to focus on tasks (just look in my purse and you will find 15 outdated and unfinished To Do lists). But, I know that I don't want my life to be defined by tasks. I want it to be defined by my presence - in my own life and in the lives of other people. I want to see and experience life, not cross each step off a poorly constructed list.

A professor of mine used this story once as a way to illustrate her approach to nursing. I think its truth stretches far beyond a professional application.

Luke 10:38
Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomes him into her home. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me." But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her."

2008-11-05T17:28:00.000-06:00

I've been reading a book entitled Traveling Mercies by Anne Lamott. This quote I found especially inspiring, and true.

"It's funny: I always imagined when I was a kid that adults had some kind of inner toolbox, full of shiny tools: the saw of discernment, the hammer of wisdom, the sandpaper of patience. But then when I grew up I found that life handed you these rusty bent tools - friendships, prayer, conscience, honesty - and said, Do the best you can with these, they will have to do. And mostly, against all odds, they're enough."

why i voted.

2008-11-04T12:36:00.000-06:00

Today is about 2 things. Voting and my dad.

Happy Birthday Dad!! I love you!

I walked to the polls today and voted. On my way over I was talking to someone who works in my apt complex. He "never votes" apparently and had no plans to do it today. I understand his frustration with all the drama that comes along with elections and political races, but I told him that I have to vote. When I think that only a few generations of women have had the freedom to walk up to those little booths and have their opinions count, I can't find any valid excuse to not participate. Then, as I was registering (we can do it the day of in MN) I was waiting behind an elderly Russian man. As the judge handed him the little yellow card that would be his pass into the polls, he touched his heart with his hand, laughed, and said, "I will go vote now" and laughed again. Pretty soon everyone in line was either laughing or tearing up as we watched this frail little man go submit (what I assume to be) his first ballot in an American election. What an inspirational day!

2008-11-01T06:15:00.001-05:00

I am tired. Not sure by what, or who, but I have this feeling that it is the cummulation of lots of things. Usually, I can deal with physical tired. But lately it is impossible to just feel one kind of tired. It most often appears with emotional fatigue and on early mornings like this, when it is still dark outside. I think most of this "unexplained" weariness is due mostly to my lack of life coordination. Balancing work and life is much harder than I'd like it to be. Maybe that has to do with my current work situation. Or maybe it has to do with my current life situation. Neither are ideal. What do you do when work is stressful, home is stressful, and the only thing that will accept you unconditionally is your oversized quilt? I guess you fill your travel mug with tea, go to work, and try to not mess up your makeup too badly.

bells, food & drooling

2008-10-30T16:16:00.000-05:00

We are experiential beings. And while our experiences may be processed on a higher level than other animals, I think it might be a universal trait among developed species. Something happens and we eventually learn to either go back to it for more pleasure or turn away in hopes of avoiding the pain or rejection. The thing I find most interesting about how our past experiences shape our present and future experiences is how sub-conscious they can be. Seriously, I'm realizing that I am making decisions based on data I don't even remember collecting! It's kind of unfair when you think about it. I want to be fully aware of why things are happening they way they are... none of this conditioned response crap. I'M in charge, right? Hm, maybe. Partly. And, the older you get the more complicated and complex your experiences become which, I guess, can make things easier or way more difficult.

I think I've made a decision based on my new insights - have good experiences. And, for goodness sake, keep good people around you. Conditional relationships are not positive &, in fact, I hate them more than almost anything. People influence our experiences which influences our future which influences how we see ourselves which influences our purpose... and there's probably so much more in between that we can't even identify as influences. We are so porous.

Settle Yourself

2008-10-29T22:14:00.000-05:00

Tonight I felt myself turn back into the 13 year old little sister.

"Why don't people care about me?"
"Why don't people want to see me?"
"Why doesn't anyone love me me me me me me me?"

I had a very dramatic internal dialogue that I'm glad didn't spill onto anyone else's ears. Except now I'm telling you, so I guess the gig is up. So what? I get crabby sometimes. Deal.

It all started with having a good day at work. How inconsiderate, right? All these bad days and they dare to throw off my routine with a good one. It was long, but good. That hardly ever happens. Anyway, I came home and thought, "I should unwind with a hot bath" (this decision was mostly influenced by my new yummy soap, which is part of my plan to bring positive, beautiful things into my life). Turns out aromatherapy just made me feel fat. Sitting there in the bathtub, BORED out of my mind, thinking, "this is such a waste of time". And for some reason the hot water must have expanded my blood or something because I came out feeling quite large. I weighed myself after only to find that in fact, I had not changed sizes at all. HOW ANNOYING, right?!

So, then I decided to make some phone calls. Usually a good idea, except I was feeling that tight tummy feeling I get when I'm in a dramatic form of emotional distress. The person who usually irritates me the most when I'm crabby is myself, and that proved to be true again today. In the name of emotional self-sufficiency, I ended my prolonged conversation that I'm sure bored the person on the other end (PS this is not an apology) to spend some time just being. Well, that lasted 4.68 seconds. Restlessness leads to impulse, apparently, because then I made another phone call which led to spending a few hours covered in dog hair, only encouraging the crabby process.

Crabby crabby crabby.
Me me me me me me me me.
Poor me.

2008-10-20T13:37:00.000-05:00

This is my nephew, Henrik. I love him. And my whole family. Who knew we could get any cooler?

stunning.

so serious. ha.

2008-10-19T22:19:00.000-05:00

I think it is important to look back on experiences and see how things went - what mistakes were made, what went well, how you can do better next time, etc. As I look back on the past month or so I can't believe how much has happened. As if 30 days couldn't have possibly held all that they did. In general I think my "rope" is getting longer (i.e., it takes a bit longer to reach the end of it), but I am still adjusting to all that is expected of life, post graduation. That's normal, I expect, but the trouble that I am having is identifying what is exactly causing the stress. I really believe in a holistic approach to other people, but now I'm learning that (surprise) this idea applies to my life as well. In the name of becoming well-rounded and healthy, these are the plans I have in my (nearer) future:

1.) No travel plans for a while. Be home more.
2.) Make food for the people I love. And generally see them more often.
3.) Exercise. Buy new running shoes. And run a 5K next Saturday.
4.) Small group involvement.
5.) Write in my journal on a more consistent basis.
6.) Have a bedtime, even on my days off.
7.) Light more candles.
8.) Use self tanner. Because let's face it, we all feel better when we are a little tan.

the lingo

2008-10-05T16:25:00.000-05:00

Today, I wrote a nursing narrative note that went something like this:

Patient tolerated wean to humidified room air, sating in low to mid 90s. Vital signs stable. Feedings restarted at 1300, 40mL/hr. 1 emesis at 0900 with NJ meds. Aunt at bedside, updated verbally.

blah blah blah blah

Now. Ms. Greeno, my 9th grade (advanced) English teacher, would be very disappointed in these boring (and incomplete!) sentences. Someday I might decide to just write a nursing narrative more like this:

When I came onto my shift today there was a sense of good fortune in the air. My patient demonstrated great strength early in the day and I, as his caretaker, thought this was the ideal time to test his pulmonary vigor and turn the smooth, black dial to the "off", removing him from his additional source of oxygen. As I sat and watched this strong young boy take deep breaths in and out, I felt that he was managing the change very well! Oh, the relief we all felt, as this was proof that his disease process was being defeated by all the medical interventions we were providing.

Ok, sorry. I'm not finishing this. I'm bored.

2008-09-06T20:27:00.001-05:00

Living in the host city of the Republican National Convention has been an interesting experience. I could go into detail about walking down the street and seeing snipers stationed across the skyline or hearing rallies and protesters chant, but I think I'd like to focus on something a little less directly related to this event. Sarah Palin made a statement that I found interesting during her acceptance speech (she made a lot of statements, but that is not going to be my point. I'd actually rather keep this blog out of politics as much as I can). She offered assurance to the caregivers of special needs children, saying that they always have a friend in Washington. This was of special meaning to me, for several reasons, and came up in a conversation I had over dinner a few nights ago. I tend to think about things long after the conversation has ended and in this case my thought process reached a place that I wasn't necessarily expecting. I realized that when you look at discrimination in general the tone of counteracting it is focused on equality. Rightly so. However, I think the challenge with ending discrimination as it relates to people who are differently-abled is that things must be different in order for them to be equal. I wonder if this makes it much more difficult to realize because it is natural to think that things must be the same to be equal. Handicapped parking is a pretty simple example of this idea. Parking that is closer, with wider stalls, gives someone who is less able (or totally unable) to get themselves to the front door of a public place the same opportunity to shop at the grocery store, or wherever. I think that there are some people realize equality for special needs individuals is an obvious thing, and I would certainly agree with that. But, I wonder if these rights need to be acknowledged in a slightly more intentional way, as they require accommodations on the part of everyone involved. Our culture is not disability-friendly - I saw that every time one of my kids would refuse to wear shorts because he was afraid people would see his leg braces. I don't think that it was ignorant for Sarah Palin to realize it is still an issue. I appreciated her committment to this because I think establishing true equality - in practice, not just in theory - for this group is going to take much longer, and look much differently, than other equality efforts have in the past.

2008-08-21T11:19:00.000-05:00

I love getting my hair cut. Not only do I feel all fresh and new (and looking quite good), but I LOVE talking to my stylist! I've only been to her once before today, but we have hit it off and I think we have a long, healthy relationship in front of us. It's like finding a good doctor or dentist... you don't want someone you don't connect with, even if they are awesome at their "trade". Sometimes it's just nice to vent about life to someone who doesn't know anything about your life. I think stylists and nurses have a lot in common. Hey, if this whole RN thing doesn't work out, I can always trade in my sterile gloves and gauze for a pair of shears and volumizing tonic.

2008-08-19T22:22:00.000-05:00

According to the Myers-Briggs personality test, I am a "feeler" (ESFJ). This means, basically, that I deal with things in life according to how I feel about them. Often I can sense that something is either off or more significant than it may seem, but I just can't put my finger on it. I've often seen it as a weakness that needs to be overcome rather than a strength that could be used for success (and/or the avoidance of negative situations). Anyway, I thought that following your gut when making life decisions was a bad idea - that basing my future/career on what seemed to just be an emotional inclination was not only irrational but also totally unwise. I have been proven wrong. How do we balance what looks good on paper with what lets us rest easy at night?

Easy Dill Pickles

2008-08-10T21:29:00.000-05:00

Makes 2 Quarts

2 lbs Kirby Cucumbers
3 Tablespoons coarse salt
3 Cups water
2 Cups distilled white vinegar
1 Tablespoon dill seed
4 Cloves garlic
2 Bunches fresh dill, coarsely chopped

1.) Cut cucumbers into 1/2-inch thick rounds, and transfer to a colander. Set in a bowl. Toss well with salt. Refridgerate cucumber rounds for 1 hour.

2.) Rinse cucumber rounds well; drain. Pat dry between paper towels. Transfer cucumber slices to a large bowl.

3.) Bring 3 cups water, vinegar, dill seed, and garlic to a boil in a medium saucepan, stirring. Reduce heat; simmer 4 minutes. Let mixture cool slightly, about 10 minutes.

4.) Add chopped dill to cucumber slices, toss to combine. Pour in the brine. Let cool completely, about 30 minutes. Transfer mixture to airtight containers and refridgerate at least one week.

Pickles will keep 3 weeks more.

Recipe retrieved from marthastewart.com

i haven't posted in a while.

2008-08-04T22:29:00.001-05:00

mostly because nothing much is happening.

things i thought about today:

1.) my nephew (and how it appears that my hospital and the airlines are going to make it nearly impossible to see him... ever)
2.) how really good i am at patient education
3.) things are so happy when i have a routine
4.) i like almost anything with birds on it
5.) next time, i will think twice before making curry in a closed up apt

i'm having some fellow new-grad residents over on saturday to make pickles. can't wait. if you have any pickle making advice, please pass it on. we are all very new at this.

http://www.printroom.com/ViewGalleryPhoto.asp?evgroupid=0&userid=twins&gallery_id=1208179&image_id=33

2008-07-29T15:59:00.000-05:00

I should have prepared myself more for the lunchtime - well, actually, worktime - conversations I was going to be having now that I am a pediatric nurse. I sometimes forget about stereotypes, so I was a little surprised when we played a "shower game" as a get-to-know you exercise during one of our orientation sessions, passed my clinical educator's baby photo albums (not just pictures, mind you... albums) around the classroom during a presentation on nursing documentation, and had a long discussion about how short-term disability and maternity leave work together to give you all the time off you need when "starting your family". I understand that the last one could be important/practical information for some people... but, I hate shower games. Especially at 0700.

Anyway, yep... I guess I won't be surprised next time?

2008-07-27T14:11:00.000-05:00

I love Sundays. Growing up, we were taught to prioritize rest on Sunday. With things moving so quickly all week, it seems wise and good to take a day off.

Starting work has certainly been the major life event of this week. Orientation started out slow, to say the least, but by Thursday and Friday I began to get more excited about what will be coming in the next few weeks/months. This hospital has high standards of care and I am feeling very eager to be taught by them. They had two families come and speak to the new-hires about their experiences at this hospital (both of their children have chronic illnesses & come to our facility frequently). They covered so much, focusing mostly on what has contributed positively and negatively to their experiences. I really appreciated their openness and tried my best to take in all their wisdom. Anyway, after a few days of plowing through hospital policy and procedures and learning computer charting, etc, I can say with confidence that it was a full week. I'm looking forward to going back on Monday, even if that means another 5 days of really early mornings.

How could I forget?

2008-07-18T16:01:00.000-05:00

Amidst all the anticipation of starting my new job, I suddenly find myself in a very different place that I'd like to be. Concerning myself with job, co-worker, and role dynamics is probably motivating to a certain extent, but somewhere along the way I began to focus on those unknowns and forgot about why I am doing this job. Nursing, to me, is a very practical and meaningful way to serve people. I love it because it is such a complex career - I have the responsibility to provide for my patients in a physical way. Monitoring labs, measuring intake and output, passing meds, calling for orders, etc etc... But, I also have the privilege of being there when my patients are feeling anxious, doubtful, fearful, or, the hardest, angry. Of course, I feel least prepared for this, but I think that it is the most important aspect of nursing. Never do we want things to happen that bring people through our doors, but worse than those things happening is the thought of no one being prepared on the other side, ready to serve, whatever the need.

I was challenged to remember these things from an unlikely source - via text - "while you might not be overly thrilled to sign your life away I'm sure the children at the hospital are eagerly awaiting your arrival." Hm, thanks for the reminder.

The Countdown

2008-07-17T16:11:00.001-05:00

After my test I had about 25 days to devote to summer. I did my best with those days & now I find myself down to the last three. Three little days from now I'll be sitting in hospital orientation with other terrified new grads, pretending we are competent and totally prepared for what is ahead of us. Right. I don't even feel ready to pick out benefits for myself.

I went shopping for scrubs today and I came out almost entirely empty handed. Scrubs are not cute, for the record, and if you don't have to wear them then you can't tell me that they are. Did anyone else know that Grey's Anatomy has a scrub line? So funny.

Home Sweet Home

2008-07-11T11:20:00.000-05:00

Today our fourth roommate arrives! YAY! The apt has been getting ready for a few days now - moving furniture, emptying out bathroom drawers, you know... and general picking up. At the beginning of this miniature summer vacation I would joke about feeling like I was a stay at home mom with no kids. Dinner was on by 5, floors swept, moving boxes broken down, goodwill drop-offs made... After I was done with the NCLEX, I kind of stopped being domestic and the recycling piled up and food went beyond recognition in the back of the fridge. Apparently, cleaning becomes a priority only when I'm avoiding doing something else (i.e., studying). But, we're not college girls anymore, so here's to making this place a home...

2008-07-10T22:51:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was more about (wo)man-made beauty. Today, I decided to enjoy being outside. There is a park called Hidden Falls & ever since learning about it I've been so intrigued by the name - the fact that these falls are hidden made me want to find them all the more! So, I set off with my walking shoes and camera. About 45 min into my unsuccessful exploration, I stopped two fellow walkers and asked them if they knew how to find these mysteriously located falls. Apparently, they aren't even in the park, but rather several miles south of where I was! Go figure. So, I detoured and sat defeated on the bank of the Mississippi. It was pretty & uneventful, here are some pictures....

2008-07-09T16:53:00.000-05:00

Today was a good day. I had planned on going to DC for the day - see the "Evolution of Art" exhibit at the Corcoran Gallery of Art. That didn't work out so well for a few reasons. Mostly, I didn't feel much desire to go. Thunderstorms & only a few hours actually in DC didn't hold much weight against a beautiful day here, where I could do and see a lot more. So, this time, staying put was the right answer.

I started my morning with plans to buy honey at the Farmer's Market. When I arrived, the lot was empty. So, apparently either no one came, or everyone came and was already gone. That's okay - moved right on to coffee and a stroll across the Stone Arch Bridge , one of my favorite spots in Mpls. (And, it ended up being very fitting to spend some time along the great Mississippi, as I will discuss shortly). I saw a boat come through - on the back of which stood a man, juggling three red balls. I was amused.

Then, I headed to the Minneapolis Institute of Art, which was by far the highlight of my day. I saw three great exhibits, but my overall favorite was a collection done by a (new) photographer, Alec Soth, and was entitled, "Sleeping by the Mississippi". I'm not sure if he actually slept by the Mississippi, but he did travel along it and took really really good photographs as he went. Each image told an intimate story and communicated (to me) the strange relationship we all feel between suffering and the hope we feel that we can be saved from it. Soth used one of those old cameras - you know, the kind you have to hide behind and cover yourself with a black cloth. It apparently helped him remove himself from the portrait, leaving an honesty that otherwise couldn't be captured. Aside from the beautiful content, the photos were incredible. Huge and perfect. I wish I knew more of the stories behind each one - I guess that was a big part of it for Soth. He asked each of his subjects to tell him a dream they had for their life. Most of the dreams were simple and completely attainable. Others claimed to have stopped dreaming long ago. Anyway, I want to buy his book, which includes all these photos and more, but it, of course, is priced a bit on the high end.

I also saw an exhibit by Lee Friedlander, which was supposed to be special. He was humerous and interesting, but not necessarily beautiful. Then, I also walked through an exhibit called, "Smoke and Mirrors: A Journey to Healing Knowledge". This was photographs (again) of Bolivian medical practices (and practitioners). I like this topic - the body-mind-spirit connection - so much so that I wrote a final paper about it just a few months ago. It was especially interesting to see this topic discussed through a different culture's interpretation. Western medicine (and thought) has done and excellent job of categorizing humanity into dimensions, whereas this culture keeps them united. I'm not saying that these practices are to our/their benefit (in fact, I have little reason to believe that rubbing an egg over a person's body, cracking in into a glass of water, and then reading it as a mode of diagnosis is credible). I guess stuff like that doesn't hold much weight to me - in a physical or a spiritual sense - but I think that realizing it exists can help remind me how much strength spirituality holds and, even, the power of the placebo effect. In addition to looking at medical practices, I think it would be interesting to investigate how different people groups approach death. I think that alone has a tremendous influence on the faith people have in medicine & how medicine is developed, whatever it's form.

Then, I strolled through a few antique shops, sat at the Walker Sculpture Garden and really committed some time to The Brothers. Which, I love by the way. Mostly, I love the narrator. He is delightful & I can't help but feel like we are talking face to face.

Today gave me more room to think, which was nice.

livin's easy

2008-07-07T23:13:00.000-05:00

My timing may have not been ideal when I created this blog. Probably, it's a little premature, as n-o-t-h-i-n-g is happening around here (and, therefore, nothing really to write about). Anyway, I'm hoping that will change once I start my job and re-enter/begin contributing to society, but I suppose things could be just as boring post-July 21 as they are pre-July 21. With a work schedule comes a life schedule, unfortunately, and I'm hoping that will provide me with enough motivation to DO things outside of work. You know, for the sake of "balance". Funny how when there is nothing to swing life in one direction or another I get very lazy.

My roommate and I were having a similar discussion last night. We've both been feeling like either nothing is happening, or everything is happening. And when everything is happening it requires a lot of effort... but, before you know it nothing is happening again. It is especially frustrating when the things under the "everything" category suddenly disappear into the "nothing" category and they begin to seem so not worth any amount of effort that you put into them.

Anyway, I bought a copy of The Brothers Karamazov today and plan on starting it tomorrow. I'm kind of excited about that. According to the Barnes & Noble boy, it's not considered a summer read. Eh, whatever. I'm just glad that it's something.

Unhelpful Quantification

2008-07-02T12:52:00.000-05:00

This morning my attention was caught by a segment that came on the Today show. It was called, "Do Kids Make You Happier?" and featured two women - a journalist and psychologist - that were reporting the findings of a rather interesting study about happiness and how having children can (and apparently, does) affect that.

I have been unable to find the actual study they sited, but I took good notes, so here you go...

In a nut shell, this study found that 100% of the parents polled (adoptive, single, married, re-married, same gender...) are more unhappy than people who decided to never have kids.

If I heard them correctly, the main contributor to happiness, in this context, is either the presence or absence of children, as having children (negatively?) affects one's marriage, flexibility and free time, financial responsibility, balance between work and family, etc.

Well, yes, of course children affect those things. However, I am unconvinced that for 100% of people "balance" in all of those areas is affected only by their decision to have or not have children.

This made me think about Maslow and a couple of things he had to say about life and thriving in it. Taking his ideas into consideration, it is pretty clear - at least to me - that if you have kids (or get married or do whatever) to be happy instead of just being happy, you aren't going to end up where you want to be. Can't use people as a means to something else - people are always an end, yeah?

The study also found that there is still a significant amount of cultural, religious, and traditional pressure to pro-create in the lives of American adults. Probably true. I've seen many of my newly married friends cringe when someone asks them (again), "so when you are going to have kids?" Arguably, people's lack of tack doesn't mean the idea is, in and of itself, a bad one. Hm, that makes me wish I had more time to research this because I am suddenly interested in finding a culture that discouraged pro-creation and thrived in more ways than a culture that supported the family.

Whatever, this research is flawed. If you want to watch the segment, here it is:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3032633/#

Scroll through "Videos from Today" and you should find it.