uncountable blessings.

This weekend has been full of good things. Unfortunately, for most of it I was not in a very "receiving" sort of mood. As I look back, though, I see so much evidence of a happy life.

I made a list yesterday... and it went on. And on. And on. I have been given so much! Who am I to grumble at the little things I feel I am missing? Discontentment costs so much - time & energy, mostly - and I do not want to miss out on enjoying all the beautiful things God has given me!

So, today, I enjoyed my life. True, some of it has to be from a distance (ehem, TN... WI... CT... NY... China...). But, there was much comfort in knowing it was out there.

In celebration, I am making a pot of chicken wild rice soup and sharing it with friends. Cheers. To a very good life.

sometimes my patients say things i feel like everyone should hear and enjoy...

patient: ashlee, i'm going to give you the biggest hug of your life
ashlee: you are?! do you think i'm ready for that?
patient: maybe you should spit out your gum first.

Tonight I'm finding refuge at my friends' house. Tornadoes are swirling around the twin cities, not really sure what they are up to. So, I packed up and relocated to a place that seems more tornado ready. As in, they have a basement that doesn't freak me out. And that I wouldn't have to share with my pot-smoking neighbors at a moments notice.

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Life has been moving along at a good pace... I would consider myself settled in the apartment, which is nice. I really do love it. Just the way it is.

August is not about being home, though. That does make me feel a little drained, but soon it will be done and I can begin the process of settling into fall.

Fall. Wow. Too soon.

On the spectrum of hard life transitions, my recent move falls very low. Still, it was a transition and we all know how uncomfortable those can be. I have a feeling it might have something to do with the indefinite time frame - you never really know when you are going to stop transitioning. Which, for a person who loves schedules and predictability, this is an uncomfortable reality.

Still, this past week has been filling with blessings. Mainly, I am in awe of the quality of my people. Many hands do make light work and I was amazed at how many hands were willing to take part in a definitely not fun process. I am thankful for them and while I know it isn't about keeping score, I do really hope that I can be that kind of friend to them. They didn't just make the move easier, but they are really influencing the transition, too. I could feel alone in this new place - well, because I kind of am - but I have people! People who actually like me!! It's a comforting thing.

Thanks guys. You are great.

so GREEN

Two days ago I went for a nice long walk after work and was struck by how green and alive everything looked! I guess there are just some things you don't notice when you are driving.

When you talk to nurses, one of the most common reasons they will give for entering the field is for the "rewards", those invisible little experiences that sometimes have the super charged power of adrenaline and keep us going on days when it seems like the walls of the hospital are about to cave in.

The difficult thing about these satisfying moments is that you never really know when you are going to find one. You see, there are days when you can't figure out how to best help your patient. Days when you can't remember everything you are supposed to do and end up passing off part of your job to the next shift. Days when parents are looking to you to solve the problem, but really you can't fix everything. This is the most incredibly frustrating part - I went into this profession to help out. Terrible things happen in this world and someone needs to be on the other side of them to help people get their lives back. I can do that. Or, rather, I want to do that. Turns out you can't help people in every way they need to be helped. Huh, turns out.

What hinders love?

This week at church we talked about love - not how to do it, but why we don't do it. I liked this approach, as the "how" reasons often leave me feeling inadequate or incapable. Do any of us love everyone all the time? No, I mean if "being kind and compassionate" is how we show love to a person, I fall short constantly!

There are always going to be those simple frustrations that lead to not-loving thoughts toward people... Or those times when I just don't go out of my way to show love to someone... But, for right now I want to dig into the more difficult situations. What do I do when my heart so wants to fill with hate - hate for the drunk driver that brings yet another patient into my unit, hate for the person who rapes a 12 year old, hate for person who lies and steals from my friend? I've heard we are supposed to not hate the person, but rather what the person does. That makes sense... sometimes. But, sometimes it is really hard to separate the person from their actions. Actions speaking louder than words and all that...

But, I really do believe we are supposed to love. Return love for hate, believe in hope where there is none... Now, just for that "why" question.

First, I think it is important to say that to know what love is does not necessarily produce it. I can have a great amount of love for my family, and know how to feel and express it, but have no love for another person. The idea we were challenged with on Sunday was this: Love is an evidence that something has already happened. So, I can love because I have been loved. I have been forgiven, so I can forgive. The passage we focused on was in Luke: "he who is forgiven little, loves little". If we don't believe we have much to be forgiven for (self righteousness), how can we love another person?

So, ok, back to the question: what hinders love? Well, maybe it is the minimization of our need for forgiveness (the ultimate act of love). Do we consider ourselves more deserving of love than another person? I wonder, what would happen if we started to consider others better than ourselves. Is it our merit that makes us deserving of love, or is it simply about who we are? That is a counter-cultural idea, I'd say, but I'm just throwing it out there as food for thought :-)

The "love is patient, love is kind" list does an excellent job of informing our hearts, but it doesn't transform us (at least not me). The transforming power, I think, comes when I remember how greatly & wholly I've been loved. That is motivating.