Some nights I am inspired to cook. And, yes, it takes inspiration (which is more than a growling stomach). Tonight, I was not inspired but I had to make a dessert for work. Living in Minnesota, I have found, requires you to prepare things for potlucks every now and then...

So, being on dessert duty, I took my crisp, hardly used copy of "Homemade Cakes" off my kitchen self and proceeded to get very excited about a yogurt and fruit cake. Simple enough, less than 10 ingredient, most of which I already had. It was after I returned from the grocery store with vanilla yogurt that I started my necessary pep talk: "Ashlee, baking is like chemistry lab. This recipe has been proven to work. All you have to do is follow the directions & measure things carefully. It will be fine." Turns out baking and chemistry lab are a lot more similar than I thought - I'm not a natural at either.

After I started to realize (er, accept) that this attempt will likely end in failure, I decided to start following my intuition. Move the cake down a rack, set the timer for 5 more minutes... Nope still a failure. It's bubbling with heat, but not forming into a cake. My plan to teach myself to cook has turned into a waste of resources.

I think it is time for Plan B. I'm calling in sick.

As you read my last few blogs, it might become obvious that I haven't been very inspired lately. I don't know why I write when I'm not really clear on all my thoughts - probably with the anticipation that writing will help sort them out?

Regardless, today I am feel inspired. Inspired and a little heartbroken. In the wake of Brown's Senate win yesterday, and the subsequent blow to the Healthcare Reform initiative, I stand completely dumbfounded. I don't even feel the need to comment on how irresponsible it is to elect a one-issue politician OR how ignorant it is to disregard healthcare reform when we are all one bad car accident or cancer diagnosis away from reaching our lifetime limit on our insurance policies (a limitation that will be revoked under Insurance Reforms), so I won't. Instead I will talk about why I still support federal healthcare reform. Because I whole-heartedly do.

I volunteer at a free clinic and I have noticed a new wave of clients in the past year. They remind me a lot of my dad - hard working men who were very well established in their careers, only to be laid off two or three years before they are eligible for retirement. Under healthcare reform, insurance coverage would be expanded for early retirees. Not only will this benefit the individuals, but the companies and our workforce in general, by opening up positions or preventing lay offs.

The state of Minnesota has the best "medical loss ratio" in the country. A "medical loss" is the money insurance companies pay to healthcare providers (yes, they count doing what they are supposed to do as a loss). Minnesota's insurance companies are required by law to use at least 91% of what you pay them to then pay the providers. Other states in our country don't "lose" even 60%. That means the patient is paying 40% more for healthcare than it actually costs!!! Under healthcare reform, minimum medical-loss ratios would be established, thus decreasing the insurance companies profit off of disease and disability.

95-98% of Americans would be provided with coverage & children will be covered until age 27. I think that one speaks for itself... especially when you consider how many new college graduates are unable to find jobs, let alone jobs with benefits.

Pre-existing condition clauses prevent people who have been diagnosed with cancer, and then go into remission, from being covered if the cancer should return. Healthcare reform would eliminate this entirely.

Increased affordability, through the institution of non-profit co-ops and the expansion of Medicaid, could be in our future. Instead, our country is choosing to continue down a road where 80% of all bankruptcies filed are due to high and unavoidable healthcare costs. Most of which have been accumulated by privately insured individuals (also part of my "lifetime limits" point).

Sure, this will take awhile. Best case scenario, it is up and running in 2014. And, I understand the hesitation of investing in an initially very expensive program. That's why the billions this reform will save our country over the next 10 years is important to keep in mind (if you are on the more money-conscious side of the argument).

The worst part of healthcare reform is that hospitals will be seeing less reimbursement for services rendered. That is why many institutions (the smart ones anyway) are preparing for this by evaluating costs and looking to high efficiency industries to get pointers on eliminating waste, increasing efficiency and ensuring that the quality of care provided does not suffer. Providers may need to run cheaper and less invasive tests when a patient initially presents with a headache instead of immediately rushing them down to the MRI room. But, is that really a bad change?

There are so many reasons I support Federal Healthcare Reform and I've really tried to show how it is not just a "theory" but something that is happening to people. Please see this as a part of discussion - I'm aware of all the other sides that exist. I just wanted to say my peace (/piece) about this particular side. I hope it's helpful....

twenty five in twenty ten. has a nice ring to it, don't you think?

I have no idea what I should (want to) do with this year. I am tempted to make a resolution... my way of saying, "I have control!! I'm going to rock this year (instead of it rocking me... again)". Hm, not sure if that's actually how it works. But, how can decide to "roll with the tide" without sounding a bit apathetic about my life?

I am in a better place (whatever that means) this Jan 2 than I was last. Significantly better. There are reasons for this - mainly good decisions and a lot of love and support from my people. But, also I think a lot of this happiness has been sustained through a focus on my reaction to life rather than getting so distracted by the desire to control it. Because, as it turns out, control is quite impossible. And incredibly agonizing.

I am looking forward to discovering a new year... I have no idea what it holds, which is really exciting! Mostly because I know that I will be in good company, and that is all I need.

very merry.

Christmas at the hospital is hard to figure out. On one hand, there is some excitement. The night nurses take on some Santa-like qualities and distribute the gifts from our Child Life dept in the patient rooms, the popcorn tins and bags of chocolate bells pile high, and everyone (and I mean everyone) is wearing some outrageous combination of red and green. On the other hand, no one wants to be in the hospital on Christmas - staff or patients! Grief comes out at funny, unexpected times, but I think it is safe to say that Christmas is not really an unexpected time.

Holidays, by nature it seems, cause us to crave the securities in life. It seems as if humanity is especially in need of comfort & community during the holiday season. As it turns out, finding yourself in a very unfamiliar life experience is not comforting. And while the emotional needs of our patients run high, the desire to be at work runs low for the caretakers. It is an important inequality to realize, I think. Tragically ironic how the opportunities to really impact a person in a positive way happen to also be a time when I might not be "in the mood" for it. (For the record, I believe caretakers have to be in the right place to "be present". People who say they are ready to take on all the severe emotional needs of other people all the time are not very aware - or they have reached an incredible emotional maturity that I merely dream of. That's my opinion at least. The problem with that, I will admit, is that people don't always have time for you to get in the right emotional/spiritual place, but that's a topic for another blog).

Anyway, Christmas at the hospital is tricky. It's not a time that people want to outline in their holiday letters. But, it's not automatically a time that people will be inconsolable. I believe in the significance of faith & I am often in awe of how some are able to genuinely stand in the face of real tragedy and remain committed to things like life and love. I'm certain that there are always going to be times when you would have to fight for that kind of peace, though. The idea that peace washes over us is nice and probably true to some extent but, I also think there is some kind of battle involved - a reclaiming of the good and a rejection of all that enslaves us.

Redemption composes all that is good about Christmas, which by definition means there is something from which we need to be redeemed. No life is immune to grief - some grief will be manifested in small ways, other grief will take hold of us and never seems to release it's grip. No matter the experience, pain is always significant - but, may our spirits be moved to remain open to living in freedom and love.

Receive and give, my friends. Merry Christmas.

for the record.

I am an aunt. And, while this post will be focused on only one aspect of my "aunt-ness", I would like to just start by saying my nephew is probably one of my favorite people... ever. I love him quite a bit and I have a feeling that he will only get cooler with time.

Now, part of being an aunt is showering these little humans with gifts. At least, that is part of being an aunt for me. I have been on the search for some practical gifts for him, as is the nature of me (practical) and the holiday season (gifts), and I have come to find that I hate the baby/infant/toddler "product world". Not only are clothes ugly, they are SO gendered and confrontational. Boys can, apparently, only wear clothes that say things like "stud" or "jock" or "my dad can beat up your dad" or " this is what handsome looks like" or "here comes trouble" or "ladies man". Oh, and the absolute worst was "my mom is hotter than your mom"... somehow, amazingly, one little baby bib is able to not only keep your clothes clean but also reinforce gender stereotypes.

Not only do I refused to spend my money on this garbage, but I will not be responsible for socializing a generation of self involved, competitive, smart mouthed kids. What if my nephew doesn't want to be a jock? What if he wants to be a poet? Or, maybe both. Do they have bibs that say, "be who you are and love other people"? No. And, really, why does it have to say anything at all? It's this weird, subtle objectification of our children that people indulge in merely to boost their own self images... if you want people to know you are hot or strong or produce genetically perfect children that will inevitably grow into irresistible sex objects, then wear it on your own shirt.

I also have negative feelings about anything princess or diva themed, for all the same reasons. My dislike of pastel, baby animals is less socially minded, but I might as well just say I don't like those very much either. Well, that's not true. Even animals are gendered - boys get strong animals like lions and elephants and girls get the pretty, gentle animals (that don't eat much) like birds and kittens.

It's everywhere, people.

Sigh. That's really all, I don't have any brilliant ideas on how to fix this problem, other than craft my own baby clothes. I don't have high hopes that this will actually happen, so we're sticking to solids, stripes and argyle this year, Henrik.

During my trip to NYC I was able to visit Resurrection Presbyterian Church with my friends. I have been able to enjoy more sermons from this church since being home, through their website.

If anyone else is interested, I've added them to my "recommendations" column.

Work, by nature, is going to be hard. Some of us look at this task and desire to find something that fits who we are, something that puts our personal motivations to good use and maybe (or hopefully) brings out some good in the world. I understand that not everyone feels this way about occupation - work is not life and so on. This is true, and part of me is jealous of this mindset. Oh, to see my profession as a paycheck seems so.... nice... right about now.

I am getting better at "drawing a line" between work and life. But, I will admit that is feels a bit counterintuitive. Not because I think bringing work home is necessary, or even helpful, but because I just can't turn things on and off that quickly! Like I said, this takes practice and I still have a lot of time to work out the kinks with this one. But, when you are investing yourself into someone all day, it takes more than just the drive home to stop thinking about them. At least for me.

I identified a whole new, ironic aspect to this yesterday at work. After 8 days of "caring" with what felt like my whole body, I crashed. 2pm, no charting done, no food in my tummy and I felt like more of my self control was being used to keep myself from crawling under the desk than finishing my shift well. After I managed to squeeze in a snack (and the subsequent increase in blood sugar), I remembered how much harder things are for my little patients. The last thing (or maybe one of the last things) they need is a nurse who isn't willing to give. But, how do I give genuinely when all I want is a nice, cold (and preferably huge) beer?

Hm... remembering how much I have been given, how much I've been loved. Imagining myself in their position is always good, I suppose. Eating. Certainly that helps. And, time away, experiencing my own life. 7/8 days is a long time.

SO! The next post will be much more upbeat.... Seriously. My weekend is already off to a wonderful start. Enough about this... off to enjoy a few days away.

After I get my oil changed, of course.