bells, food & drooling

We are experiential beings. And while our experiences may be processed on a higher level than other animals, I think it might be a universal trait among developed species. Something happens and we eventually learn to either go back to it for more pleasure or turn away in hopes of avoiding the pain or rejection. The thing I find most interesting about how our past experiences shape our present and future experiences is how sub-conscious they can be. Seriously, I'm realizing that I am making decisions based on data I don't even remember collecting! It's kind of unfair when you think about it. I want to be fully aware of why things are happening they way they are... none of this conditioned response crap. I'M in charge, right? Hm, maybe. Partly. And, the older you get the more complicated and complex your experiences become which, I guess, can make things easier or way more difficult.

I think I've made a decision based on my new insights - have good experiences. And, for goodness sake, keep good people around you. Conditional relationships are not positive &, in fact, I hate them more than almost anything. People influence our experiences which influences our future which influences how we see ourselves which influences our purpose... and there's probably so much more in between that we can't even identify as influences. We are so porous.

Settle Yourself

Tonight I felt myself turn back into the 13 year old little sister.

"Why don't people care about me?"
"Why don't people want to see me?"
"Why doesn't anyone love me me me me me me me?"

I had a very dramatic internal dialogue that I'm glad didn't spill onto anyone else's ears. Except now I'm telling you, so I guess the gig is up. So what? I get crabby sometimes. Deal.

It all started with having a good day at work. How inconsiderate, right? All these bad days and they dare to throw off my routine with a good one. It was long, but good. That hardly ever happens. Anyway, I came home and thought, "I should unwind with a hot bath" (this decision was mostly influenced by my new yummy soap, which is part of my plan to bring positive, beautiful things into my life). Turns out aromatherapy just made me feel fat. Sitting there in the bathtub, BORED out of my mind, thinking, "this is such a waste of time". And for some reason the hot water must have expanded my blood or something because I came out feeling quite large. I weighed myself after only to find that in fact, I had not changed sizes at all. HOW ANNOYING, right?!

So, then I decided to make some phone calls. Usually a good idea, except I was feeling that tight tummy feeling I get when I'm in a dramatic form of emotional distress. The person who usually irritates me the most when I'm crabby is myself, and that proved to be true again today. In the name of emotional self-sufficiency, I ended my prolonged conversation that I'm sure bored the person on the other end (PS this is not an apology) to spend some time just being. Well, that lasted 4.68 seconds. Restlessness leads to impulse, apparently, because then I made another phone call which led to spending a few hours covered in dog hair, only encouraging the crabby process.

Crabby crabby crabby.
Me me me me me me me me.
Poor me.

This is my nephew, Henrik. I love him. And my whole family. Who knew we could get any cooler?



stunning.















so serious. ha.

I think it is important to look back on experiences and see how things went - what mistakes were made, what went well, how you can do better next time, etc. As I look back on the past month or so I can't believe how much has happened. As if 30 days couldn't have possibly held all that they did. In general I think my "rope" is getting longer (i.e., it takes a bit longer to reach the end of it), but I am still adjusting to all that is expected of life, post graduation. That's normal, I expect, but the trouble that I am having is identifying what is exactly causing the stress. I really believe in a holistic approach to other people, but now I'm learning that (surprise) this idea applies to my life as well. In the name of becoming well-rounded and healthy, these are the plans I have in my (nearer) future:

1.) No travel plans for a while. Be home more.
2.) Make food for the people I love. And generally see them more often.
3.) Exercise. Buy new running shoes. And run a 5K next Saturday.
4.) Small group involvement.
5.) Write in my journal on a more consistent basis.
6.) Have a bedtime, even on my days off.
7.) Light more candles.
8.) Use self tanner. Because let's face it, we all feel better when we are a little tan.

the lingo

Today, I wrote a nursing narrative note that went something like this:

Patient tolerated wean to humidified room air, sating in low to mid 90s. Vital signs stable. Feedings restarted at 1300, 40mL/hr. 1 emesis at 0900 with NJ meds. Aunt at bedside, updated verbally.

blah blah blah blah

Now. Ms. Greeno, my 9th grade (advanced) English teacher, would be very disappointed in these boring (and incomplete!) sentences. Someday I might decide to just write a nursing narrative more like this:

When I came onto my shift today there was a sense of good fortune in the air. My patient demonstrated great strength early in the day and I, as his caretaker, thought this was the ideal time to test his pulmonary vigor and turn the smooth, black dial to the "off", removing him from his additional source of oxygen. As I sat and watched this strong young boy take deep breaths in and out, I felt that he was managing the change very well! Oh, the relief we all felt, as this was proof that his disease process was being defeated by all the medical interventions we were providing.

Ok, sorry. I'm not finishing this. I'm bored.