Winter might not be a frustrating time for everyone, but it certainly is for me. It's hard to stay hopeful when you can feel your inside seize every time you step outside, you know? Let me tell you, winter in MN is not fun. And those who know me know that I love fun.

Anyway, thinking about my freezing toes is getting me side tracked. My idea/plan for this blog was actually to write about success. What success means to people, how we like to communicate it to the world, etc. I suppose it might be helpful to clarify what I mean exactly by success. I guess the pressures I have been feeling lately have to do with the right job, right look, right relationships, right ideas... does that help you see where I'm coming from? Ok, I'm going to dive right in...

When coming into success, there are different ways in which people react. Some like to clear their throat and yell, "I've arrived!!"... some people like to share it with someone special... some never really know if they've made it or not because they never sit still long enough to be satisfied. I have seen many friends come into what I see as success. The interesting observation is not this "arrival" or whatever, but how they react to it. Most are humbled (I really do have exceptional friends). Some are not satisfied and just crave more and more. And, then there are some who just stare and wonder "when is it all going to crash in around me?" I see all of these reactions as motivating in one way (direction) or another and it leaves me on nights like this wondering, "what is success going to look like for me?" and "how do I know when I have it?"

Well, simply put, there are indicators of success and mostly they have to do with tangible things that can be shown off. Don't get me wrong, there are lots of things that I want in my life. They range from healthy relationships to a challenging career to a Master's degree to hang on my wall to maybe someday a pair of beautiful Manolo Blahniks :-) But, this is what I wonder -- are these things success, indicators of success, or just a cover?

This internal discussion has been motivated by certain observations I've made over the last week. Just during my day to day activities I've overheard statements like, "Apparently, I'm really awesome on paper and in real life" and "I'm a good American - I work really hard AND spend a lot of money" and my favorite is the nod of agreement and the awkward "mm-hmm" whenever a compliment is offered, instead of the polite "thank you". Whatever, I'm not as concerned with these actual examples, mostly I just wanted to highlight them because I feel like offering examples is a good way of building solid discussion. Really, when I get down to it, my point is that these public expressions of success make me uncomfortable. Not only are they potentially oh so temporary, but what do they do to build people up positively? They are at their root selfish, yes? Self serving, self promoting, self loving. Where does that leave those of us who are tempted by these sweet fruits of success (hello, Manolos!) but really know deep down that this is actually not where success lives. How are we to fight it? How are we supposed to combat this elevation of self and love of success? It's almost like a twisted form of 21st Century Social Evolution. Whoever becomes coolest the fastest wins.

GO.

No, wait. I'm not letting this social pressure have power over what I think is going to be success for me. Maybe I won't have much to show for my plan to just "care for others" but maybe I don't need tangible evidence. Maybe it isn't really care if you go into it for yourself. Maybe, just maybe, if I go into it this way the little evidences of "success" won't overshadow the whole point of it all. Because we all know that Degrees and beautiful friends and interesting (socially "hip") passions are not necessarily bad things. So perhaps it isn't about avoiding them, just not using them as our main motivation.

Yes, I like it. Ok, now GO.

I have plans to write more about this wonderful day - the inaugural day of President Elect Barack Obama - but, for now, please enjoy this video of MLK Jr....

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/programmes/world_news_america/7838851.stm

...and this video of the celebrations in Kenya...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7436720.stm

I am using this post to show off this beautiful nephew of mine....

restless mornings

the hospital is quiet... finally... just waiting for things to get stirred up again come 7:00. this morning i got home from work overtired. emotionally, physically... getting into bed, putting in my ear plugs and covering my eyes with my cloud covered eye mask didn't seem to do the trick like other mornings. even a benadryl didn't seem to weaken the sprinter that apparently took over my body. my legs wanted to run, my eyes apparently wanted to cry, and my brain just wouldn't take a break. it was in the midst of this incredible restlessness that i decided i am tired of making decisions. seriously, it's been constant for the last 6 months. about work and life and friends.... about who i vote for, about boys, about health insurance and retirement and money and everything... seriously, universe, please don't ask me my opinion. as of today, i don't have one. as of today i am on a decision vacation. hopefully to be followed by an actual vacation because as we all know, decision vacations are a completely ridiculous idea.

This morning I woke up missing Africa. A year ago today I was in Mbale, living and learning along side my classmates, Pastor Sam & his family, and all the MMM workers. Tomorrow, my birthday, I spent with Nathan and his family, experiencing life in a village for the first time. It's true that time & distance do a wonderful job of bringing only the sweetest memories to the surface, but today I find myself longing to walk the rusty dirt roads of Uganda.

New Year. New Plans. Or old plans just reignited.

1.) The Brothers Karamazov. It's going to happen.
2.) Travel (TN & NYC in Feb, something warm in March, a few more TN trips maybe... and then CAIRO in November?!?)
3.) Volunteer
4.) PALS certification (Pediatric Advanced Life Support - sort of a "professional aspiration")
5.) Buy my own car