very merry.

Christmas at the hospital is hard to figure out. On one hand, there is some excitement. The night nurses take on some Santa-like qualities and distribute the gifts from our Child Life dept in the patient rooms, the popcorn tins and bags of chocolate bells pile high, and everyone (and I mean everyone) is wearing some outrageous combination of red and green. On the other hand, no one wants to be in the hospital on Christmas - staff or patients! Grief comes out at funny, unexpected times, but I think it is safe to say that Christmas is not really an unexpected time.

Holidays, by nature it seems, cause us to crave the securities in life. It seems as if humanity is especially in need of comfort & community during the holiday season. As it turns out, finding yourself in a very unfamiliar life experience is not comforting. And while the emotional needs of our patients run high, the desire to be at work runs low for the caretakers. It is an important inequality to realize, I think. Tragically ironic how the opportunities to really impact a person in a positive way happen to also be a time when I might not be "in the mood" for it. (For the record, I believe caretakers have to be in the right place to "be present". People who say they are ready to take on all the severe emotional needs of other people all the time are not very aware - or they have reached an incredible emotional maturity that I merely dream of. That's my opinion at least. The problem with that, I will admit, is that people don't always have time for you to get in the right emotional/spiritual place, but that's a topic for another blog).

Anyway, Christmas at the hospital is tricky. It's not a time that people want to outline in their holiday letters. But, it's not automatically a time that people will be inconsolable. I believe in the significance of faith & I am often in awe of how some are able to genuinely stand in the face of real tragedy and remain committed to things like life and love. I'm certain that there are always going to be times when you would have to fight for that kind of peace, though. The idea that peace washes over us is nice and probably true to some extent but, I also think there is some kind of battle involved - a reclaiming of the good and a rejection of all that enslaves us.

Redemption composes all that is good about Christmas, which by definition means there is something from which we need to be redeemed. No life is immune to grief - some grief will be manifested in small ways, other grief will take hold of us and never seems to release it's grip. No matter the experience, pain is always significant - but, may our spirits be moved to remain open to living in freedom and love.

Receive and give, my friends. Merry Christmas.

for the record.

I am an aunt. And, while this post will be focused on only one aspect of my "aunt-ness", I would like to just start by saying my nephew is probably one of my favorite people... ever. I love him quite a bit and I have a feeling that he will only get cooler with time.

Now, part of being an aunt is showering these little humans with gifts. At least, that is part of being an aunt for me. I have been on the search for some practical gifts for him, as is the nature of me (practical) and the holiday season (gifts), and I have come to find that I hate the baby/infant/toddler "product world". Not only are clothes ugly, they are SO gendered and confrontational. Boys can, apparently, only wear clothes that say things like "stud" or "jock" or "my dad can beat up your dad" or " this is what handsome looks like" or "here comes trouble" or "ladies man". Oh, and the absolute worst was "my mom is hotter than your mom"... somehow, amazingly, one little baby bib is able to not only keep your clothes clean but also reinforce gender stereotypes.

Not only do I refused to spend my money on this garbage, but I will not be responsible for socializing a generation of self involved, competitive, smart mouthed kids. What if my nephew doesn't want to be a jock? What if he wants to be a poet? Or, maybe both. Do they have bibs that say, "be who you are and love other people"? No. And, really, why does it have to say anything at all? It's this weird, subtle objectification of our children that people indulge in merely to boost their own self images... if you want people to know you are hot or strong or produce genetically perfect children that will inevitably grow into irresistible sex objects, then wear it on your own shirt.

I also have negative feelings about anything princess or diva themed, for all the same reasons. My dislike of pastel, baby animals is less socially minded, but I might as well just say I don't like those very much either. Well, that's not true. Even animals are gendered - boys get strong animals like lions and elephants and girls get the pretty, gentle animals (that don't eat much) like birds and kittens.

It's everywhere, people.

Sigh. That's really all, I don't have any brilliant ideas on how to fix this problem, other than craft my own baby clothes. I don't have high hopes that this will actually happen, so we're sticking to solids, stripes and argyle this year, Henrik.

During my trip to NYC I was able to visit Resurrection Presbyterian Church with my friends. I have been able to enjoy more sermons from this church since being home, through their website.

If anyone else is interested, I've added them to my "recommendations" column.

Work, by nature, is going to be hard. Some of us look at this task and desire to find something that fits who we are, something that puts our personal motivations to good use and maybe (or hopefully) brings out some good in the world. I understand that not everyone feels this way about occupation - work is not life and so on. This is true, and part of me is jealous of this mindset. Oh, to see my profession as a paycheck seems so.... nice... right about now.

I am getting better at "drawing a line" between work and life. But, I will admit that is feels a bit counterintuitive. Not because I think bringing work home is necessary, or even helpful, but because I just can't turn things on and off that quickly! Like I said, this takes practice and I still have a lot of time to work out the kinks with this one. But, when you are investing yourself into someone all day, it takes more than just the drive home to stop thinking about them. At least for me.

I identified a whole new, ironic aspect to this yesterday at work. After 8 days of "caring" with what felt like my whole body, I crashed. 2pm, no charting done, no food in my tummy and I felt like more of my self control was being used to keep myself from crawling under the desk than finishing my shift well. After I managed to squeeze in a snack (and the subsequent increase in blood sugar), I remembered how much harder things are for my little patients. The last thing (or maybe one of the last things) they need is a nurse who isn't willing to give. But, how do I give genuinely when all I want is a nice, cold (and preferably huge) beer?

Hm... remembering how much I have been given, how much I've been loved. Imagining myself in their position is always good, I suppose. Eating. Certainly that helps. And, time away, experiencing my own life. 7/8 days is a long time.

SO! The next post will be much more upbeat.... Seriously. My weekend is already off to a wonderful start. Enough about this... off to enjoy a few days away.

After I get my oil changed, of course.

Weekends are sometimes good for grocery shopping, sleeping in, laundry, post office runs, etc. But, sometimes weekends are good for leaving things undone, skipping town and spending face-to-face time with my people. This past weekend was fortunate enough to be of the later variety, and it was just in time.

I count my people as among my most significant blessings. In this category, of course, is my family. My friends, too, are just wonderful, unique, talented, inspirational people and I'm not sure where I'd be without them. A variety, you may call us, but a good mix for sure. Three of these lovelies live out east - one in CT, two in NYC. So, I was able to soak up some good time with them and see new and beautiful places.

And, I have (unfortunately?) learned that I really really love New York City. I was there as a teenager, but experiencing it as a 24-year old is much different, right? We didn't indulge in the more intense NYC experience, but rather played the low key card and enjoyed coffee at Blue Sky Bakery in Brooklyn, caught the Staten Island Ferry for some (free) sightseeing, walked from Brooklyn to Manhattan via the bridge, enjoyed bits of Soho, made our way through Central Park, ate some street food, and did a fairly good job of drinking wonderful coffee by day and lovely wine by night. Looking back, highlights are easy to find.

I'm not sure what it was about the city that drew me in so much. I mean, it is a very large city... but, cities are cities?? Maybe. There was just something different about New York - like, I never felt alone while I was there. The hustle didn't bring up any sort of anxiety in me, but rather I felt calmer than I have in a really long time (the quite of my apt now, for example, is having quite the opposite effect). The word "magic" is coming to mind, although it feels a bit exaggerated for what I'm actually trying to say. Regardless of what it's called, I felt so good being there. A kind of good this girl hasn't felt in a long time.

I'm not going to post pictures because I just don't have the energy... soon, though. While the weekend was nearly perfect it was also quite exhausting. In a wonderful sort of way.

Yesterday, volunteers came around the unit with a cart full of children-sized Halloween costumes. One of my little patients asked in eager anticipation, "do you have a Buzz Lightyear outfit?"

We all breathed relief as the volunteer dug through her pile and proudly held up one, very precious space cadet costume.

And so, his mom and I worked to get the costume onto this little body. Disconnected the IV for just a minute, cut the costume as needed to get it over tubes and around braces... pretty soon we had a (very modified) Buzz Lightyear in our midst.

He was so delighted! And, really, so were we.

This week has been marked by tragedy. My journal is missing.

Ok, so you all know me and know that I sometimes say things that are a bit on the dramatic side, but I am being completely honest and fairly rational when I say this is the saddest thing that has happened to me in a very long time.

I started (serious, committed) journaling in 2005. Since then I have really come to cherish the little books that are my testimonial. You know the question, "if you are stranded on an island and you can have one thing it would be..." or "if your house was on fire and you could bring one material thing with you ..." Hands down, I would choose my journals. It is on those perfectly blank pages that I find most freedom to express my ideas. There is no need for correct grammar, flow, sentence structure... anything really. I can do whatever I want - have any opinion - in my journal and no one gets to know. And, no one gets to tell me that what I'm feeling is wrong or I should approach a situation in a different way... or whatever.

I know that the loss of this journal is not the loss of journaling. But, it is the loss of a year's worth of knee-jerk reactions, deep reflection and sweet anticipation. I wrote about my first days as a nurse in this journal, my first (professional) experience with death. The overwhelming joys of meeting my first nephew. The nervous excitement that came with moving into my very own apartment. Gosh, even the thrill of watching our nation's first African American President take office. To not have my written memories of all that is so.... sad.

Normally when something like this happens, I would journal about it. But, since that isn't an option right now I will blog. And, I can say with confidence that blogging is really second best.

Last summer I was invited to join an online book club. As you can imagine, the lack of face-to-face interaction made it very difficult for me to stay committed to the text. Well, that and the fact that The Brothers Karamazov was not an ideal pick for light summer reading.

The thick beige and red book has been patiently waiting for me on my bookshelf and I have decided to give good ol' Fyodor another shot. I am 19 pages in and already in love. Not because it is incredibly easy, or because I feel as if I've been hooked by action or glamour... but, rather, because it is just beautiful.

This book is going to be no small task for me - mostly because my nursing school experience has resulted in the development of a special reflex. The one that makes me go to sleep two paragraphs into any kind of reading. I have determination, though, to retrain my attention span to not only stay focused during these long pages, but to actually .... get ready for it... enjoy reading again.

In hopes of "setting the stage" for this endeavor, I went to the Russian Museum of Art in Minneapolis last weekend. I don't know much about Russia - at all - and I thought that maybe by getting a small glimpse of how Russian artists interpret their culture, I'd be in a better place to enjoy this novel.

But, it didn't really help. Well, ok, that might not be true. It just didn't help as much as I had hoped. What I did find is that a.) I love Russian art (at least the art they have at this museum) and b.) I want to learn more about Russia.

I was talking to one of the museum volunteers and he was telling me about an exhibit they are trying to bring in this coming spring. It is composed of art that came from the Siege of Leningrad. Now many of you, I am sure, have heard of this part of history. I will blame my ignorance on my intense participation in biology and anatomy during college and less interaction with the "arts" and history classes. It is probably fine that I am learning this late. Anyway, I have spent some time exploring the details of this 900 day siege - a siege that took more lives than any other modern day conflict. And what I have found is actually quite amazing.

From what I can tell, this siege did many things to Leningrad. Mainly - and I'm not trying to make light here - it destroyed it, right? But, like Annie Dillard taught me to say, there is so much evidence of "the inrush of power and light" in the stories I've read tonight. Stories of human resiliency and motivation to cling to good and deny evil. The German and Finnish armies cut off all sources of life from Leningrad - it started in September and by winter there was no heat, no electricity, only ounces of bread for each person. But, in the face of this all, the people of Leningrad did not surrender. FOR 900 DAYS. I also read stories of people risking their lives to dig up potatoes in forbidden fields, only to then surrender their sweet harvest to authorities so they could be distributed equally among all the civilians. The city even commissioned cooks and chefs to "invent" high-calorie soups and breads to be distributed in the bread lines. Granted, their supplementation of cotton for flour didn't provide what people needed. Most during this time died of starvation or from the actual bombings. I think it is only accurate to say that with each sweet story of devotion to the whole community, there were also terrifying stories of human desperation. Factory workers eating oil off machines to satisfy hunger.... and of public authorities creating special forces focused primarily on attacking the cannibalism that eventually developed.

One might think the end of this siege was a beautiful day for Russia. I'm sure it was in many ways, but I think it was probably also a quiet victory. An unbelieving sigh of relief, or whatever could be mustered up by the souls who still stood 900 days after suck darkness struck their city. The Red Army, an army of Russian revolutionaries, eventually brought defeat to the German forces.

My visit to the museum did good things for my curiosities about Russia, although, like I said, none actually lead me any closer to understanding The Brothers specifically. But, I'm just going to say that is okay. Because there is a lot to know about the world, and learning it a little at a time is just fine.

Sometimes things happen and all I can do is shrug. I don't know the answer, I don't know where to go, I don't even know how to identify what went wrong. These are the situations that are most defeting for me. Not only because I am at a loss, but because I feel like I shouldn't be. Like, the Christian life is supposed to be an easy one, filled with right answers and only the occassional mistake that leads to a greater understanding or brings your closer to becoming that beautiful, whole person who won't ever make the same mistake twice. Seriously? Who told me that was true? They are w-r-o-n-g.

The Christian life isn't about having all the right answers, but living in a grace that redeems us from our shortcomings. While I might not ever know exactly the right answer to every one of life's challenges, I do know that having empty hands might not always be a bad thing. When my little patients cry at night, I might not ever have a perfect response to their grief. I don't know if I will ever be able to look one of them in the eye and say, "this is how we fix your problem". This is hard for me to accept because I so want to solve problems! My own, but also their's. I don't want them to live in pain, confusion, or grief. I want them to be freed from it.

People ask me sometimes how I can "do what I do". Good question. I'm not totally sure of the answer, but I do know that I would never make it if I haven't been blessed with at least a small shred of inner peace. Because, really, there are a thousand evidences of redemption in each day. It's just about being in the right place to notice them.

uncountable blessings.

This weekend has been full of good things. Unfortunately, for most of it I was not in a very "receiving" sort of mood. As I look back, though, I see so much evidence of a happy life.

I made a list yesterday... and it went on. And on. And on. I have been given so much! Who am I to grumble at the little things I feel I am missing? Discontentment costs so much - time & energy, mostly - and I do not want to miss out on enjoying all the beautiful things God has given me!

So, today, I enjoyed my life. True, some of it has to be from a distance (ehem, TN... WI... CT... NY... China...). But, there was much comfort in knowing it was out there.

In celebration, I am making a pot of chicken wild rice soup and sharing it with friends. Cheers. To a very good life.

sometimes my patients say things i feel like everyone should hear and enjoy...

patient: ashlee, i'm going to give you the biggest hug of your life
ashlee: you are?! do you think i'm ready for that?
patient: maybe you should spit out your gum first.

Tonight I'm finding refuge at my friends' house. Tornadoes are swirling around the twin cities, not really sure what they are up to. So, I packed up and relocated to a place that seems more tornado ready. As in, they have a basement that doesn't freak me out. And that I wouldn't have to share with my pot-smoking neighbors at a moments notice.

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Life has been moving along at a good pace... I would consider myself settled in the apartment, which is nice. I really do love it. Just the way it is.

August is not about being home, though. That does make me feel a little drained, but soon it will be done and I can begin the process of settling into fall.

Fall. Wow. Too soon.

On the spectrum of hard life transitions, my recent move falls very low. Still, it was a transition and we all know how uncomfortable those can be. I have a feeling it might have something to do with the indefinite time frame - you never really know when you are going to stop transitioning. Which, for a person who loves schedules and predictability, this is an uncomfortable reality.

Still, this past week has been filling with blessings. Mainly, I am in awe of the quality of my people. Many hands do make light work and I was amazed at how many hands were willing to take part in a definitely not fun process. I am thankful for them and while I know it isn't about keeping score, I do really hope that I can be that kind of friend to them. They didn't just make the move easier, but they are really influencing the transition, too. I could feel alone in this new place - well, because I kind of am - but I have people! People who actually like me!! It's a comforting thing.

Thanks guys. You are great.

so GREEN

Two days ago I went for a nice long walk after work and was struck by how green and alive everything looked! I guess there are just some things you don't notice when you are driving.

When you talk to nurses, one of the most common reasons they will give for entering the field is for the "rewards", those invisible little experiences that sometimes have the super charged power of adrenaline and keep us going on days when it seems like the walls of the hospital are about to cave in.

The difficult thing about these satisfying moments is that you never really know when you are going to find one. You see, there are days when you can't figure out how to best help your patient. Days when you can't remember everything you are supposed to do and end up passing off part of your job to the next shift. Days when parents are looking to you to solve the problem, but really you can't fix everything. This is the most incredibly frustrating part - I went into this profession to help out. Terrible things happen in this world and someone needs to be on the other side of them to help people get their lives back. I can do that. Or, rather, I want to do that. Turns out you can't help people in every way they need to be helped. Huh, turns out.

What hinders love?

This week at church we talked about love - not how to do it, but why we don't do it. I liked this approach, as the "how" reasons often leave me feeling inadequate or incapable. Do any of us love everyone all the time? No, I mean if "being kind and compassionate" is how we show love to a person, I fall short constantly!

There are always going to be those simple frustrations that lead to not-loving thoughts toward people... Or those times when I just don't go out of my way to show love to someone... But, for right now I want to dig into the more difficult situations. What do I do when my heart so wants to fill with hate - hate for the drunk driver that brings yet another patient into my unit, hate for the person who rapes a 12 year old, hate for person who lies and steals from my friend? I've heard we are supposed to not hate the person, but rather what the person does. That makes sense... sometimes. But, sometimes it is really hard to separate the person from their actions. Actions speaking louder than words and all that...

But, I really do believe we are supposed to love. Return love for hate, believe in hope where there is none... Now, just for that "why" question.

First, I think it is important to say that to know what love is does not necessarily produce it. I can have a great amount of love for my family, and know how to feel and express it, but have no love for another person. The idea we were challenged with on Sunday was this: Love is an evidence that something has already happened. So, I can love because I have been loved. I have been forgiven, so I can forgive. The passage we focused on was in Luke: "he who is forgiven little, loves little". If we don't believe we have much to be forgiven for (self righteousness), how can we love another person?

So, ok, back to the question: what hinders love? Well, maybe it is the minimization of our need for forgiveness (the ultimate act of love). Do we consider ourselves more deserving of love than another person? I wonder, what would happen if we started to consider others better than ourselves. Is it our merit that makes us deserving of love, or is it simply about who we are? That is a counter-cultural idea, I'd say, but I'm just throwing it out there as food for thought :-)

The "love is patient, love is kind" list does an excellent job of informing our hearts, but it doesn't transform us (at least not me). The transforming power, I think, comes when I remember how greatly & wholly I've been loved. That is motivating.

Jumping right back into work, post-vacation, is hard. But, complaining is boring and I think finding joy makes for a happier person... so, I'm trying anyway. True, there are days when you have to think really hard to find the "highlights", but I have an easy one from yesterday that I hope someone will enjoy hearing about it.

So, I have this patient who loves her baby doll. She has this sweet stroller that my 6-year old self would totally covet and she will spend a good chunk of her free time pushing her around the unit. We put a little diaper on her to keep her decent, sometimes I check her heart with my stethoscope to make sure she is staying healthy, and once I showed my patient how to swaddle her in a pillow case (apparently I did it wrong because it came off immediately). Anyway, my little patient is in a wheelchair and pushing your own wheelchair plus a toy stroller comes with certain challenges, right? It was slow going for a while, but as I watched her I decided not to step in and push her wheelchair for her because 1.) she seemed content and 2.) why interrupt such beautiful determination? Probably about one hour into this I look over into our playroom and see that my resourceful little patient had figured out a way to hook the stroller to the side of her wheelchair so she could propel the wheelchair and bring the stroller along with her... she and dolly were on their way!

Ok, so I admit that might be a corny story, but I loved it! Her dedication, resourcefulness... love it all. When you work with kids probably the best, most rewarding thing to watch is them finding their own way. I think this is a perfect, "little" example of that. Sometimes I just wish people could come see my kids just so they could see how awesome and capable they are! Disabilities don't exist in our hospital - only creative solutions. She taught me to remember how much really is outside the box.

Ok, here is an assortment of the pictures. I think it is safe to say that I am addicted to beautiful places!

At MSP and ready to go!

About to hit the beach

Ah, we have arrived....

Doing a really good job of enjoying the sun

Dressed up for dinner

Ooh, real Mexican food. So good!

On the Eco Cat, ready for our tour!

We missed Katie every day.

Lover's Beach - apparently the 9th most beautiful beach in the world

Ready to snorkle!!

Post-snorkle party on the boat!

The fun lasted all day :-)
And then we saw whales! A mom and calf... they were incredible!!

At Harley Davidson's

Me and my gals :-) More beach time on our last day

Our last Cabo dinner.... at the resort. So sad to leave!

Well, I am sitting in sweet, predictable MN. After a week in WI and then nearly 5 days in Cabo, I have to admit that a small part of me is happy to be sitting in the familiarity of my living room. Yes, I do wish there was an ocean a mere steps from my couch and a $1 Corona in my hand, but I guess you can't have it all, all the time. I was going through the stages of grief today as we were on our way out, nearly begging God to "just give me one more day" in our lovely resort with beautiful food, warm sun and a beach full of luscious men, but I guess He has other plans for my Friday. It appears that they include:

- doing my taxes
- laundry
- groceries/dinner
- cleaning room/bathroom

Oh I can hardly stand all the fun.

I would like to take just a moment to point out that I do not have to be back to work until after Cabo. This is good news, people.

I have found something new to love about daylight savings. When you work overnight, 3:00 comes one minute after 1:59! Suddenly, I am nearly half way done with my shift, which is so nice because I slept only like 45 min this afternoon. Insomnia, you ask? No, just fun - it was a great day, why sleep through it?

When I say "fun", I really mean lunch with Adam, tanning, washing my windows (hello, sun!), spending time with Katie, going to church... Oh, I also went to the MIA and saw the limited time New Guinea exhibit. That was great.

What I love about the art I saw today was that it was so beautiful & functional. Drums, paddles, shields, bowls. Most of the aesthetic appeal was also functional to some extent- connecting ones self to nature, ancestors, a certain task (often war or hunting). I loved that they carved their bowls shallow, with beautiful swirls and curls in the bottom, so they could hang them on the wall and display art in between uses. Yes, why can't bowls be art? I also loved that when they carved designs in their battle shields, they incorporated their familial history in the art as another means of protection. I mean, if you had a great warrior in your family, might as well bring along his/her spirit when you go to war, right?

Anyway, it seems that I have an important decision to make: who would I want to carve out of wood and perch at the top of my shield?

Ok, these are my more "less distantly related" options:

Mom: She's feisty - I wouldn't want to see what would happen should someone threaten her family or home. And she'd look good doing it, which is important in my cultural context.
Dad: He's a protector, too - and always seems to know what's right. Hm, I might need his level head in battle. And, he's a craftsman, which would come in handy when assembling said shield.
Grandpas: Both in the army, both skilled craftsmen. Yes, with their help I could make weapons and then actually know how to use them. And, I think with Grandpa Harms's help I'd be a fair and honorable warrior, which would be important should I ever want the privilege of being perched on top of someone else's shield (it is never too soon to think about these things, you know).
Grandmas: Fearless, these ladies. Ha, and we can't forget about the time Grandma Brown marched over to that girl after school and punched her for making fun of her new yellow coat. Yeah, it might be wise for me to tap into some of that spirit, should I need it.

Look at that, what a well equipped & useful group of ancestors I have. Ok, I think I might be ready.

Last week I started in my new volunteer role at a free healthcare clinic in the area. I was nervous to make the commitment, but that melted away and let my true excitement take over as the night went on. I really had a great time and I can't wait to go back!

I will probably blog about this clinic again - about the patients, the other nurses, the cute 1950's exam tables that probably have more stories to tell than the 1970's decor - but, I'm really excited to write about something else I experienced that first night.

First, I should explain that our governor is proposing that just a tremendous portion of the state's healthcare budget (including MnCare) get cut by nearly $500 million. In response to this proposition, a group of more socially convicted legislators in our area set out to see what sort of affect that would have on our local hospitals and health clinics. While this clinic does not receive funding from the government, it does function as a public health provider in a pretty flawless way. This guy came just to kind of check out what we do and how... who we see and why... etc etc. And, I'm assuming how cutting federal funding will compromise our ability to offer care as it will bring more and more people to our doors.

Well, of course, the director of our clinics came with and asked me to share with this man why I decided to volunteer with this organization. This is when I got really excited - I was able to share with someone (who maybe cared at least a little bit?) why I do what I do and what motivates me. The funny thing is - I actually feel like he was listening! We eventually got to talking about the hospital I work for, since it is one of the hospitals that will get hit hardest with this upcoming budget cut, & I was able to articulate to him why the children we see are unique and special and what budget cuts would do to the care they receive and the quality of life they are therefore able to enjoy (or not enjoy). This is a serious issue, and I actually felt like he understood it. These proposed budget cuts will save the state a large chunk o' change, but will cost the hospitals even more (I think the cuts are to save the state about $500m and will cost hospitals about $700m). Providers will be less able to refer patients to specialists, provide "elective" surgeries (is quality of life elective?), and offer patient resources that can actually help prevent health issues in the first place.

Ok, wait, I didn't really want this blog to get political, because I realize there are going to be people who see the government as not responsible for these things... I understand that there are always many sides to an issue. My point, really, is just to say how excited I was to advocate for my kids! Their little faces are hidden behind the politics of it all and I so appreciated this guys interested. Even if he was just pretending to care - we were all excited to share with someone about the things that give us life. And that is to care of the people who might otherwise be forgotten. Simple as that.

Please don't take that from me, Pawlenty.

ok, no seriously, not trying to be political :-)

Tennessee

I was able to secure a(nother) trip to TN this week and spend time with Ariel and Henrik!! We played, cooked, went on walks, and just generally enjoyed each others company... face to face!!! Boy do I love them.... (oh, and funny how I came away with zero pics of Ariel and I! Whoops!)

You can't see them, but he's sportin' the new shoes Auntie Ashlee brought for him!

There they are! So cute!!

Bath time! I can't remember if this is before or after he "shot" himself in the face :-)

Henrik, the cherub

What kind of auntie would I be if I didn't give a few face smooshing kisses every once in a while?!

Play time!

Outfit #47 (he goes through more clothes in one day than me!)

What a sweet boy!

Where are my sweet potatoes?!

I so wish I could see this new little family more often, but I am incredibly thankful for the opportunities I have to visit them. I hope I can make it down there again soon!

I woke up today only to find that I had 6 missed calls on my cell phone! Of course, I went into panic mode, assuming only that something must be wrong if I had so many missed calls from the same person. But, to my delight, I listened to the first voicemail and found Mark, the boyfriend of my good friend Kelly, on the other end. He had called "just to tell me" that he had plans to propose to her tonight (!!) and was wondering if I could meet up with them and some other friends and family for a celebration get-together later that evening. Ummm... of course!!

As I was driving over, I began to think of all the things I appreciate about them as individuals and as a couple. In general, I am so overly blessed by my friends - they are indeed people of integrity, ambition, spirit, and - hello! - are so much fun. So, as Kelly always says, I spent the evening "drinking the drinks and laughing the laughs" with a very happy group. It was a smile-y night, to say the least.

I need to keep better tally of what makes me laugh.

Seriously, people, life is funny.

Time to Travel

Well, I have actually followed through on some of my goals for 2009. Not only have I signed up for a PALS certification class, which is more about my professional development, I have created an account on expedia.com and secured two trips that will take place over the next two months. A road trip may be in the works for the end of March (fingers-crossed), and expedia might be getting more of my paycheck come April.

So far we've got...
TN Feb
Cabo March
NYC? April

Any suggestions for May?

Another goal of mine was to get more involved in my community (via nursing?) and I am hoping to start orientation at a free clinic this Tuesday. We'll see what happens with this one - work is picking up and that might make my schedule a bit tougher to work with. No, actually, I should make this a priority. People need help and I don't need to spend all my days off sitting around. Or going on vacation.

Correction from last post:
A friend came to me and said, "I don't get your last post, you know success isn't defined by all that other stuff". Yes, I do. I don't know if I made my point very clear, or if it was just lost. So, to be clear: I know that success isn't measured through possessions, jobs, degrees, awards, etc, etc. But, I kind of feel this pressure "in the real world" to prove myself. And in the "world" proving yourself is often done through showing off these tokens of success. While I do not want to buy into that superficial approach to life, I was feeling a bit weak to it. The blog was sort of a self pep-talk.

Moving on...

I saw Revolutionary Road yesterday and I want to TALK ABOUT IT SO BADLY!!! So, people, hurry up and go see it so I can blog about it and externalize all my thoughts. I feel like it is a movie I need to learn from & I certainly can't do that by holding all my thoughts in! So, go... seriously, do it now. For yourself... and a little bit for me :-)

Winter might not be a frustrating time for everyone, but it certainly is for me. It's hard to stay hopeful when you can feel your inside seize every time you step outside, you know? Let me tell you, winter in MN is not fun. And those who know me know that I love fun.

Anyway, thinking about my freezing toes is getting me side tracked. My idea/plan for this blog was actually to write about success. What success means to people, how we like to communicate it to the world, etc. I suppose it might be helpful to clarify what I mean exactly by success. I guess the pressures I have been feeling lately have to do with the right job, right look, right relationships, right ideas... does that help you see where I'm coming from? Ok, I'm going to dive right in...

When coming into success, there are different ways in which people react. Some like to clear their throat and yell, "I've arrived!!"... some people like to share it with someone special... some never really know if they've made it or not because they never sit still long enough to be satisfied. I have seen many friends come into what I see as success. The interesting observation is not this "arrival" or whatever, but how they react to it. Most are humbled (I really do have exceptional friends). Some are not satisfied and just crave more and more. And, then there are some who just stare and wonder "when is it all going to crash in around me?" I see all of these reactions as motivating in one way (direction) or another and it leaves me on nights like this wondering, "what is success going to look like for me?" and "how do I know when I have it?"

Well, simply put, there are indicators of success and mostly they have to do with tangible things that can be shown off. Don't get me wrong, there are lots of things that I want in my life. They range from healthy relationships to a challenging career to a Master's degree to hang on my wall to maybe someday a pair of beautiful Manolo Blahniks :-) But, this is what I wonder -- are these things success, indicators of success, or just a cover?

This internal discussion has been motivated by certain observations I've made over the last week. Just during my day to day activities I've overheard statements like, "Apparently, I'm really awesome on paper and in real life" and "I'm a good American - I work really hard AND spend a lot of money" and my favorite is the nod of agreement and the awkward "mm-hmm" whenever a compliment is offered, instead of the polite "thank you". Whatever, I'm not as concerned with these actual examples, mostly I just wanted to highlight them because I feel like offering examples is a good way of building solid discussion. Really, when I get down to it, my point is that these public expressions of success make me uncomfortable. Not only are they potentially oh so temporary, but what do they do to build people up positively? They are at their root selfish, yes? Self serving, self promoting, self loving. Where does that leave those of us who are tempted by these sweet fruits of success (hello, Manolos!) but really know deep down that this is actually not where success lives. How are we to fight it? How are we supposed to combat this elevation of self and love of success? It's almost like a twisted form of 21st Century Social Evolution. Whoever becomes coolest the fastest wins.

GO.

No, wait. I'm not letting this social pressure have power over what I think is going to be success for me. Maybe I won't have much to show for my plan to just "care for others" but maybe I don't need tangible evidence. Maybe it isn't really care if you go into it for yourself. Maybe, just maybe, if I go into it this way the little evidences of "success" won't overshadow the whole point of it all. Because we all know that Degrees and beautiful friends and interesting (socially "hip") passions are not necessarily bad things. So perhaps it isn't about avoiding them, just not using them as our main motivation.

Yes, I like it. Ok, now GO.

I have plans to write more about this wonderful day - the inaugural day of President Elect Barack Obama - but, for now, please enjoy this video of MLK Jr....

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/programmes/world_news_america/7838851.stm

...and this video of the celebrations in Kenya...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7436720.stm

I am using this post to show off this beautiful nephew of mine....

restless mornings

the hospital is quiet... finally... just waiting for things to get stirred up again come 7:00. this morning i got home from work overtired. emotionally, physically... getting into bed, putting in my ear plugs and covering my eyes with my cloud covered eye mask didn't seem to do the trick like other mornings. even a benadryl didn't seem to weaken the sprinter that apparently took over my body. my legs wanted to run, my eyes apparently wanted to cry, and my brain just wouldn't take a break. it was in the midst of this incredible restlessness that i decided i am tired of making decisions. seriously, it's been constant for the last 6 months. about work and life and friends.... about who i vote for, about boys, about health insurance and retirement and money and everything... seriously, universe, please don't ask me my opinion. as of today, i don't have one. as of today i am on a decision vacation. hopefully to be followed by an actual vacation because as we all know, decision vacations are a completely ridiculous idea.

This morning I woke up missing Africa. A year ago today I was in Mbale, living and learning along side my classmates, Pastor Sam & his family, and all the MMM workers. Tomorrow, my birthday, I spent with Nathan and his family, experiencing life in a village for the first time. It's true that time & distance do a wonderful job of bringing only the sweetest memories to the surface, but today I find myself longing to walk the rusty dirt roads of Uganda.

New Year. New Plans. Or old plans just reignited.

1.) The Brothers Karamazov. It's going to happen.
2.) Travel (TN & NYC in Feb, something warm in March, a few more TN trips maybe... and then CAIRO in November?!?)
3.) Volunteer
4.) PALS certification (Pediatric Advanced Life Support - sort of a "professional aspiration")
5.) Buy my own car