Feeling feverish

If there was a recipe for winter restlessness, the past week would have provided all the right ingredients. Bitter cold air, sunshine-free skies, stale apartment air that cannot be remedied without opening a window (which also happen to be frozen shut), road conditions that lead to an unexpected trip into the ditch that took 3 days to remedy, and the grand finale, the stomach flu. Now some of these ingredients just lead to an overall disassociated feeling, while others actually lead to disassociation. It is these factors (or ingredients, rather) that leave the most bitter taste in your mouth, often leading to a most uncomfortable - and unfriendly - mood.

In the midst of this "I can't get anything right!" feeling, however, there are times when you get a refreshing dose of sweet summer. Whether it be over Swedish tea ring on Christmas morning, or during a heart-to-heart with a most favorite sister. No matter how short these times may be, they begin to melt that frozen tundra in your perspective. The trick is not letting your attitude turn into black ice when you suddenly find your lungs getting smaller as they fill with frozen air. Today, I found, bowling (!!!) was the key. Tomorrow? I'm not sure. But, because of today, I'm hopeful there will be something.

Christmas in the hospital is always bittersweet. While the staff does so much to make the holidays happy for the patients, it can never be quite the same as being home. Our crooked plastic tree is covered with bright pink and blue and red plastic bulbs, and while it is inviting, having your own tree, crooked or not, seems to bring a different kind of enjoyment. Santa is no stranger to our unit, he proudly walks from room to room on Christmas morning, handing out coloring books and crayons, little toys and games. This year, though, Santa came a few days early! He arrived on our unit not once this past weekend, but three times! Sponsored by a local business, he came bearing gifts and gifts and gifts ... and more gifts!! Apparently, the "suits" in this corporation decided to donate their holiday bonuses and buy oh so many presents for our sweet children. Santa walked over to one of our kids and asked, "what do you want for Christmas this year?" As "iPod" was spelled out on a communication board, Santa's face grew a happy grin. He said he wasn't able to get an iPod, but wondered if an MP3 player would do. The tremendous smile he got in return was answer enough! So, even though each bed is a little smaller because of the large stuffed Care Bears that have suddenly moved in, the Christmas spirit is alive in our halls. And, so what if these holiday bonuses weren't a huge sacrifice? So what if it was a sales tactic? I guess I'd just like to believe that generosity still exists ... and if it made the children laugh, I'm not really going to spend time questioning it.

Things I learned today...

1.) Turns out, despite the mission of motivational speakers everywhere (and apparently the "motivational bumbersticker" I saw on my way home), "giving of yourself"/compassion/whatever does have a limit. Hopefully though, we all reach our limits at different times so we can cover for each other when someone feels spent.

2.) That I have maybe entered into my nurse-hood officially. Even though I felt sick and puke-y all day and my patients actually were puking all day, I was able to hold it together. Didn't even gag when all I had to catch "it" with was a towel and my hands. Yep, I have arrived.

3.) That I am blessed by the people around me. Specifically, but certainly not limited to, those who bring me Panera soup on nights when my nose is stuffed and I have to breath through my mouth and I probably have bad breath and I am probably contagious.

Some people say that each day comes with different experiences, each experience comes with different feelings. Lately, though, each day seems to come with the same experiences and each experience comes with similar feelings. And while they aren't ideal, I'm (slowly) starting to realize that things aren't always going to be ideal, but maybe it isn't about the things. Maybe it's about our approach.

Keeping this challenge from upseting the blessings in my life is hard, but it also has the potential to be the most destructive. I know that I am prone to focus on tasks (just look in my purse and you will find 15 outdated and unfinished To Do lists). But, I know that I don't want my life to be defined by tasks. I want it to be defined by my presence - in my own life and in the lives of other people. I want to see and experience life, not cross each step off a poorly constructed list.

A professor of mine used this story once as a way to illustrate her approach to nursing. I think its truth stretches far beyond a professional application.

Luke 10:38
Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomes him into her home. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me." But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her."

I've been reading a book entitled Traveling Mercies by Anne Lamott. This quote I found especially inspiring, and true.

"It's funny: I always imagined when I was a kid that adults had some kind of inner toolbox, full of shiny tools: the saw of discernment, the hammer of wisdom, the sandpaper of patience. But then when I grew up I found that life handed you these rusty bent tools - friendships, prayer, conscience, honesty - and said, Do the best you can with these, they will have to do. And mostly, against all odds, they're enough."

why i voted.

Today is about 2 things. Voting and my dad.

Happy Birthday Dad!! I love you!

I walked to the polls today and voted. On my way over I was talking to someone who works in my apt complex. He "never votes" apparently and had no plans to do it today. I understand his frustration with all the drama that comes along with elections and political races, but I told him that I have to vote. When I think that only a few generations of women have had the freedom to walk up to those little booths and have their opinions count, I can't find any valid excuse to not participate. Then, as I was registering (we can do it the day of in MN) I was waiting behind an elderly Russian man. As the judge handed him the little yellow card that would be his pass into the polls, he touched his heart with his hand, laughed, and said, "I will go vote now" and laughed again. Pretty soon everyone in line was either laughing or tearing up as we watched this frail little man go submit (what I assume to be) his first ballot in an American election. What an inspirational day!

I am tired. Not sure by what, or who, but I have this feeling that it is the cummulation of lots of things. Usually, I can deal with physical tired. But lately it is impossible to just feel one kind of tired. It most often appears with emotional fatigue and on early mornings like this, when it is still dark outside. I think most of this "unexplained" weariness is due mostly to my lack of life coordination. Balancing work and life is much harder than I'd like it to be. Maybe that has to do with my current work situation. Or maybe it has to do with my current life situation. Neither are ideal. What do you do when work is stressful, home is stressful, and the only thing that will accept you unconditionally is your oversized quilt? I guess you fill your travel mug with tea, go to work, and try to not mess up your makeup too badly.

bells, food & drooling

We are experiential beings. And while our experiences may be processed on a higher level than other animals, I think it might be a universal trait among developed species. Something happens and we eventually learn to either go back to it for more pleasure or turn away in hopes of avoiding the pain or rejection. The thing I find most interesting about how our past experiences shape our present and future experiences is how sub-conscious they can be. Seriously, I'm realizing that I am making decisions based on data I don't even remember collecting! It's kind of unfair when you think about it. I want to be fully aware of why things are happening they way they are... none of this conditioned response crap. I'M in charge, right? Hm, maybe. Partly. And, the older you get the more complicated and complex your experiences become which, I guess, can make things easier or way more difficult.

I think I've made a decision based on my new insights - have good experiences. And, for goodness sake, keep good people around you. Conditional relationships are not positive &, in fact, I hate them more than almost anything. People influence our experiences which influences our future which influences how we see ourselves which influences our purpose... and there's probably so much more in between that we can't even identify as influences. We are so porous.

Settle Yourself

Tonight I felt myself turn back into the 13 year old little sister.

"Why don't people care about me?"
"Why don't people want to see me?"
"Why doesn't anyone love me me me me me me me?"

I had a very dramatic internal dialogue that I'm glad didn't spill onto anyone else's ears. Except now I'm telling you, so I guess the gig is up. So what? I get crabby sometimes. Deal.

It all started with having a good day at work. How inconsiderate, right? All these bad days and they dare to throw off my routine with a good one. It was long, but good. That hardly ever happens. Anyway, I came home and thought, "I should unwind with a hot bath" (this decision was mostly influenced by my new yummy soap, which is part of my plan to bring positive, beautiful things into my life). Turns out aromatherapy just made me feel fat. Sitting there in the bathtub, BORED out of my mind, thinking, "this is such a waste of time". And for some reason the hot water must have expanded my blood or something because I came out feeling quite large. I weighed myself after only to find that in fact, I had not changed sizes at all. HOW ANNOYING, right?!

So, then I decided to make some phone calls. Usually a good idea, except I was feeling that tight tummy feeling I get when I'm in a dramatic form of emotional distress. The person who usually irritates me the most when I'm crabby is myself, and that proved to be true again today. In the name of emotional self-sufficiency, I ended my prolonged conversation that I'm sure bored the person on the other end (PS this is not an apology) to spend some time just being. Well, that lasted 4.68 seconds. Restlessness leads to impulse, apparently, because then I made another phone call which led to spending a few hours covered in dog hair, only encouraging the crabby process.

Crabby crabby crabby.
Me me me me me me me me.
Poor me.

This is my nephew, Henrik. I love him. And my whole family. Who knew we could get any cooler?



stunning.















so serious. ha.

I think it is important to look back on experiences and see how things went - what mistakes were made, what went well, how you can do better next time, etc. As I look back on the past month or so I can't believe how much has happened. As if 30 days couldn't have possibly held all that they did. In general I think my "rope" is getting longer (i.e., it takes a bit longer to reach the end of it), but I am still adjusting to all that is expected of life, post graduation. That's normal, I expect, but the trouble that I am having is identifying what is exactly causing the stress. I really believe in a holistic approach to other people, but now I'm learning that (surprise) this idea applies to my life as well. In the name of becoming well-rounded and healthy, these are the plans I have in my (nearer) future:

1.) No travel plans for a while. Be home more.
2.) Make food for the people I love. And generally see them more often.
3.) Exercise. Buy new running shoes. And run a 5K next Saturday.
4.) Small group involvement.
5.) Write in my journal on a more consistent basis.
6.) Have a bedtime, even on my days off.
7.) Light more candles.
8.) Use self tanner. Because let's face it, we all feel better when we are a little tan.

the lingo

Today, I wrote a nursing narrative note that went something like this:

Patient tolerated wean to humidified room air, sating in low to mid 90s. Vital signs stable. Feedings restarted at 1300, 40mL/hr. 1 emesis at 0900 with NJ meds. Aunt at bedside, updated verbally.

blah blah blah blah

Now. Ms. Greeno, my 9th grade (advanced) English teacher, would be very disappointed in these boring (and incomplete!) sentences. Someday I might decide to just write a nursing narrative more like this:

When I came onto my shift today there was a sense of good fortune in the air. My patient demonstrated great strength early in the day and I, as his caretaker, thought this was the ideal time to test his pulmonary vigor and turn the smooth, black dial to the "off", removing him from his additional source of oxygen. As I sat and watched this strong young boy take deep breaths in and out, I felt that he was managing the change very well! Oh, the relief we all felt, as this was proof that his disease process was being defeated by all the medical interventions we were providing.

Ok, sorry. I'm not finishing this. I'm bored.

Living in the host city of the Republican National Convention has been an interesting experience. I could go into detail about walking down the street and seeing snipers stationed across the skyline or hearing rallies and protesters chant, but I think I'd like to focus on something a little less directly related to this event. Sarah Palin made a statement that I found interesting during her acceptance speech (she made a lot of statements, but that is not going to be my point. I'd actually rather keep this blog out of politics as much as I can). She offered assurance to the caregivers of special needs children, saying that they always have a friend in Washington. This was of special meaning to me, for several reasons, and came up in a conversation I had over dinner a few nights ago. I tend to think about things long after the conversation has ended and in this case my thought process reached a place that I wasn't necessarily expecting. I realized that when you look at discrimination in general the tone of counteracting it is focused on equality. Rightly so. However, I think the challenge with ending discrimination as it relates to people who are differently-abled is that things must be different in order for them to be equal. I wonder if this makes it much more difficult to realize because it is natural to think that things must be the same to be equal. Handicapped parking is a pretty simple example of this idea. Parking that is closer, with wider stalls, gives someone who is less able (or totally unable) to get themselves to the front door of a public place the same opportunity to shop at the grocery store, or wherever. I think that there are some people realize equality for special needs individuals is an obvious thing, and I would certainly agree with that. But, I wonder if these rights need to be acknowledged in a slightly more intentional way, as they require accommodations on the part of everyone involved. Our culture is not disability-friendly - I saw that every time one of my kids would refuse to wear shorts because he was afraid people would see his leg braces. I don't think that it was ignorant for Sarah Palin to realize it is still an issue. I appreciated her committment to this because I think establishing true equality - in practice, not just in theory - for this group is going to take much longer, and look much differently, than other equality efforts have in the past.

I love getting my hair cut. Not only do I feel all fresh and new (and looking quite good), but I LOVE talking to my stylist! I've only been to her once before today, but we have hit it off and I think we have a long, healthy relationship in front of us. It's like finding a good doctor or dentist... you don't want someone you don't connect with, even if they are awesome at their "trade". Sometimes it's just nice to vent about life to someone who doesn't know anything about your life. I think stylists and nurses have a lot in common. Hey, if this whole RN thing doesn't work out, I can always trade in my sterile gloves and gauze for a pair of shears and volumizing tonic.

According to the Myers-Briggs personality test, I am a "feeler" (ESFJ). This means, basically, that I deal with things in life according to how I feel about them. Often I can sense that something is either off or more significant than it may seem, but I just can't put my finger on it. I've often seen it as a weakness that needs to be overcome rather than a strength that could be used for success (and/or the avoidance of negative situations). Anyway, I thought that following your gut when making life decisions was a bad idea - that basing my future/career on what seemed to just be an emotional inclination was not only irrational but also totally unwise. I have been proven wrong. How do we balance what looks good on paper with what lets us rest easy at night?

Easy Dill Pickles

Makes 2 Quarts

2 lbs Kirby Cucumbers
3 Tablespoons coarse salt
3 Cups water
2 Cups distilled white vinegar
1 Tablespoon dill seed
4 Cloves garlic
2 Bunches fresh dill, coarsely chopped

1.) Cut cucumbers into 1/2-inch thick rounds, and transfer to a colander. Set in a bowl. Toss well with salt. Refridgerate cucumber rounds for 1 hour.

2.) Rinse cucumber rounds well; drain. Pat dry between paper towels. Transfer cucumber slices to a large bowl.

3.) Bring 3 cups water, vinegar, dill seed, and garlic to a boil in a medium saucepan, stirring. Reduce heat; simmer 4 minutes. Let mixture cool slightly, about 10 minutes.

4.) Add chopped dill to cucumber slices, toss to combine. Pour in the brine. Let cool completely, about 30 minutes. Transfer mixture to airtight containers and refridgerate at least one week.

Pickles will keep 3 weeks more.

Recipe retrieved from marthastewart.com

i haven't posted in a while.

mostly because nothing much is happening.

things i thought about today:

1.) my nephew (and how it appears that my hospital and the airlines are going to make it nearly impossible to see him... ever)
2.) how really good i am at patient education
3.) things are so happy when i have a routine
4.) i like almost anything with birds on it
5.) next time, i will think twice before making curry in a closed up apt

i'm having some fellow new-grad residents over on saturday to make pickles. can't wait. if you have any pickle making advice, please pass it on. we are all very new at this.

http://www.printroom.com/ViewGalleryPhoto.asp?evgroupid=0&userid=twins&gallery_id=1208179&image_id=33

I should have prepared myself more for the lunchtime - well, actually, worktime - conversations I was going to be having now that I am a pediatric nurse. I sometimes forget about stereotypes, so I was a little surprised when we played a "shower game" as a get-to-know you exercise during one of our orientation sessions, passed my clinical educator's baby photo albums (not just pictures, mind you... albums) around the classroom during a presentation on nursing documentation, and had a long discussion about how short-term disability and maternity leave work together to give you all the time off you need when "starting your family". I understand that the last one could be important/practical information for some people... but, I hate shower games. Especially at 0700.

Anyway, yep... I guess I won't be surprised next time?

I love Sundays. Growing up, we were taught to prioritize rest on Sunday. With things moving so quickly all week, it seems wise and good to take a day off.

Starting work has certainly been the major life event of this week. Orientation started out slow, to say the least, but by Thursday and Friday I began to get more excited about what will be coming in the next few weeks/months. This hospital has high standards of care and I am feeling very eager to be taught by them. They had two families come and speak to the new-hires about their experiences at this hospital (both of their children have chronic illnesses & come to our facility frequently). They covered so much, focusing mostly on what has contributed positively and negatively to their experiences. I really appreciated their openness and tried my best to take in all their wisdom. Anyway, after a few days of plowing through hospital policy and procedures and learning computer charting, etc, I can say with confidence that it was a full week. I'm looking forward to going back on Monday, even if that means another 5 days of really early mornings.

How could I forget?

Amidst all the anticipation of starting my new job, I suddenly find myself in a very different place that I'd like to be. Concerning myself with job, co-worker, and role dynamics is probably motivating to a certain extent, but somewhere along the way I began to focus on those unknowns and forgot about why I am doing this job. Nursing, to me, is a very practical and meaningful way to serve people. I love it because it is such a complex career - I have the responsibility to provide for my patients in a physical way. Monitoring labs, measuring intake and output, passing meds, calling for orders, etc etc... But, I also have the privilege of being there when my patients are feeling anxious, doubtful, fearful, or, the hardest, angry. Of course, I feel least prepared for this, but I think that it is the most important aspect of nursing. Never do we want things to happen that bring people through our doors, but worse than those things happening is the thought of no one being prepared on the other side, ready to serve, whatever the need.

I was challenged to remember these things from an unlikely source - via text - "while you might not be overly thrilled to sign your life away I'm sure the children at the hospital are eagerly awaiting your arrival." Hm, thanks for the reminder.

The Countdown

After my test I had about 25 days to devote to summer. I did my best with those days & now I find myself down to the last three. Three little days from now I'll be sitting in hospital orientation with other terrified new grads, pretending we are competent and totally prepared for what is ahead of us. Right. I don't even feel ready to pick out benefits for myself.

I went shopping for scrubs today and I came out almost entirely empty handed. Scrubs are not cute, for the record, and if you don't have to wear them then you can't tell me that they are. Did anyone else know that Grey's Anatomy has a scrub line? So funny.

Home Sweet Home

Today our fourth roommate arrives! YAY! The apt has been getting ready for a few days now - moving furniture, emptying out bathroom drawers, you know... and general picking up. At the beginning of this miniature summer vacation I would joke about feeling like I was a stay at home mom with no kids. Dinner was on by 5, floors swept, moving boxes broken down, goodwill drop-offs made... After I was done with the NCLEX, I kind of stopped being domestic and the recycling piled up and food went beyond recognition in the back of the fridge. Apparently, cleaning becomes a priority only when I'm avoiding doing something else (i.e., studying). But, we're not college girls anymore, so here's to making this place a home...

Yesterday was more about (wo)man-made beauty. Today, I decided to enjoy being outside. There is a park called Hidden Falls & ever since learning about it I've been so intrigued by the name - the fact that these falls are hidden made me want to find them all the more! So, I set off with my walking shoes and camera. About 45 min into my unsuccessful exploration, I stopped two fellow walkers and asked them if they knew how to find these mysteriously located falls. Apparently, they aren't even in the park, but rather several miles south of where I was! Go figure. So, I detoured and sat defeated on the bank of the Mississippi. It was pretty & uneventful, here are some pictures....

Today was a good day. I had planned on going to DC for the day - see the "Evolution of Art" exhibit at the Corcoran Gallery of Art. That didn't work out so well for a few reasons. Mostly, I didn't feel much desire to go. Thunderstorms & only a few hours actually in DC didn't hold much weight against a beautiful day here, where I could do and see a lot more. So, this time, staying put was the right answer.

I started my morning with plans to buy honey at the Farmer's Market. When I arrived, the lot was empty. So, apparently either no one came, or everyone came and was already gone. That's okay - moved right on to coffee and a stroll across the Stone Arch Bridge , one of my favorite spots in Mpls. (And, it ended up being very fitting to spend some time along the great Mississippi, as I will discuss shortly). I saw a boat come through - on the back of which stood a man, juggling three red balls. I was amused.

Then, I headed to the Minneapolis Institute of Art, which was by far the highlight of my day. I saw three great exhibits, but my overall favorite was a collection done by a (new) photographer, Alec Soth, and was entitled, "Sleeping by the Mississippi". I'm not sure if he actually slept by the Mississippi, but he did travel along it and took really really good photographs as he went. Each image told an intimate story and communicated (to me) the strange relationship we all feel between suffering and the hope we feel that we can be saved from it. Soth used one of those old cameras - you know, the kind you have to hide behind and cover yourself with a black cloth. It apparently helped him remove himself from the portrait, leaving an honesty that otherwise couldn't be captured. Aside from the beautiful content, the photos were incredible. Huge and perfect. I wish I knew more of the stories behind each one - I guess that was a big part of it for Soth. He asked each of his subjects to tell him a dream they had for their life. Most of the dreams were simple and completely attainable. Others claimed to have stopped dreaming long ago. Anyway, I want to buy his book, which includes all these photos and more, but it, of course, is priced a bit on the high end.

I also saw an exhibit by Lee Friedlander, which was supposed to be special. He was humerous and interesting, but not necessarily beautiful. Then, I also walked through an exhibit called, "Smoke and Mirrors: A Journey to Healing Knowledge". This was photographs (again) of Bolivian medical practices (and practitioners). I like this topic - the body-mind-spirit connection - so much so that I wrote a final paper about it just a few months ago. It was especially interesting to see this topic discussed through a different culture's interpretation. Western medicine (and thought) has done and excellent job of categorizing humanity into dimensions, whereas this culture keeps them united. I'm not saying that these practices are to our/their benefit (in fact, I have little reason to believe that rubbing an egg over a person's body, cracking in into a glass of water, and then reading it as a mode of diagnosis is credible). I guess stuff like that doesn't hold much weight to me - in a physical or a spiritual sense - but I think that realizing it exists can help remind me how much strength spirituality holds and, even, the power of the placebo effect. In addition to looking at medical practices, I think it would be interesting to investigate how different people groups approach death. I think that alone has a tremendous influence on the faith people have in medicine & how medicine is developed, whatever it's form.

Then, I strolled through a few antique shops, sat at the Walker Sculpture Garden and really committed some time to The Brothers. Which, I love by the way. Mostly, I love the narrator. He is delightful & I can't help but feel like we are talking face to face.

Today gave me more room to think, which was nice.

livin's easy

My timing may have not been ideal when I created this blog. Probably, it's a little premature, as n-o-t-h-i-n-g is happening around here (and, therefore, nothing really to write about). Anyway, I'm hoping that will change once I start my job and re-enter/begin contributing to society, but I suppose things could be just as boring post-July 21 as they are pre-July 21. With a work schedule comes a life schedule, unfortunately, and I'm hoping that will provide me with enough motivation to DO things outside of work. You know, for the sake of "balance". Funny how when there is nothing to swing life in one direction or another I get very lazy.

My roommate and I were having a similar discussion last night. We've both been feeling like either nothing is happening, or everything is happening. And when everything is happening it requires a lot of effort... but, before you know it nothing is happening again. It is especially frustrating when the things under the "everything" category suddenly disappear into the "nothing" category and they begin to seem so not worth any amount of effort that you put into them.

Anyway, I bought a copy of The Brothers Karamazov today and plan on starting it tomorrow. I'm kind of excited about that. According to the Barnes & Noble boy, it's not considered a summer read. Eh, whatever. I'm just glad that it's something.

Unhelpful Quantification

This morning my attention was caught by a segment that came on the Today show. It was called, "Do Kids Make You Happier?" and featured two women - a journalist and psychologist - that were reporting the findings of a rather interesting study about happiness and how having children can (and apparently, does) affect that.

I have been unable to find the actual study they sited, but I took good notes, so here you go...

In a nut shell, this study found that 100% of the parents polled (adoptive, single, married, re-married, same gender...) are more unhappy than people who decided to never have kids.

If I heard them correctly, the main contributor to happiness, in this context, is either the presence or absence of children, as having children (negatively?) affects one's marriage, flexibility and free time, financial responsibility, balance between work and family, etc.

Well, yes, of course children affect those things. However, I am unconvinced that for 100% of people "balance" in all of those areas is affected only by their decision to have or not have children.

This made me think about Maslow and a couple of things he had to say about life and thriving in it. Taking his ideas into consideration, it is pretty clear - at least to me - that if you have kids (or get married or do whatever) to be happy instead of just being happy, you aren't going to end up where you want to be. Can't use people as a means to something else - people are always an end, yeah?

The study also found that there is still a significant amount of cultural, religious, and traditional pressure to pro-create in the lives of American adults. Probably true. I've seen many of my newly married friends cringe when someone asks them (again), "so when you are going to have kids?" Arguably, people's lack of tack doesn't mean the idea is, in and of itself, a bad one. Hm, that makes me wish I had more time to research this because I am suddenly interested in finding a culture that discouraged pro-creation and thrived in more ways than a culture that supported the family.

Whatever, this research is flawed. If you want to watch the segment, here it is:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3032633/#

Scroll through "Videos from Today" and you should find it.